


Karma I thru VI

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 05:18:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11329353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Your convictions aren't always true. Skinner and Mulder learn this from each other.





	Karma I thru VI

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Karma I: Conviction by Ladyhawk

TITLE: Conviction  
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk  
EMAIL ADDRESS:   
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, just tell me  
SPOILER WARNING: SR 819, vague rest of season 6  
RATING: NC-17  
CLASSIFICATION: V, A, R   
Pairing: M/Sk  
SUMMARY: Your convictions aren't always true. Skinner and Mulder learn this from each other.  
DISCLAIMER: You think I own them? Yeah right, I can't even afford one of Mulder's ties. CC owns them all.  
Author's notes: Sergeeva, because of you, this part at least is complete. Bless you. Feedback welcome at 

* * *

Conviction  
by Ladyhawk ()

Chapter 1: Conviction

The power of conviction can keep a person from crumbling or crush him under its weight. Conviction is what keeps Special Agent Fox Mulder's head high as he passes the open door of my secretary's office, presumably rushing to investigate minor legal infringements in the Midwest. I know better. He has gone behind the back of two Assistant Directors and two Special Agents to get what he needs, the means of finding the truth. I know someday he will find it, the truth about his sister, about the Consortium and that black-lung bastard, even the truth about what Krycek did to me a month ago.

I hold a secret that Special Agent Mulder will never find out. That conviction weighs me down as I close the inner door of the office and lean back in my chair. This secret prompted me to stop Mulder and Scully from pursuing SR 819, from playing that deadly cat and mouse game with Krycek. I will do that alone.

I glance over the expense report that Agent Spender handed me this morning. It looks empty without all the costs that my two incorrigible agents have and still do incur, if the rumors about them are correct. No renting scuba equipment to chase Loch Ness monsters, no hospital bills from injuries gotten while saving the world. The X-files are not under my jurisdiction, but I turn a blind eye to this out of loyalty to my former agents and because of my secret.

My intercom blares. "Sir, Agent Mulder would like to speak with you." I wonder how long he wrestled with Kimberly before she called me. Persistance, thy name is Mulder.

I brace myself for the argument I know is coming. "Let him in."

"Sir, you are putting yourself in danger by not letting us research SR 819." I know it was too good to be true when he didn't approach me after our meeting a week ago.

"My decision is final, Agent Mulder." My concern for his safety, THEIR safety prompted that decision. I intend to be the only one put under Krycek's electronic knife.

"Sir, that man is still on the loose. I saw him when I entered the building this morning."

I stare at him and nearly bolt out of my chair. "Did he touch you?" In one second flat my AD exterior flew out the window, leaving my panic clear for him to see. I don't want Krycek using him, THEM, as he is using me. That bastard obviously isn't done yet.

Mulder seeks to calm me. "No, Sir. He was just watching Scully and me enter the building. I chased after him, but he was gone." 

How can I calm down with the weight of three people's lives on me? Not even that voice that thrills me with its tone of persistance, loyalty. . .Control, Skinner! He must not know! Keep him safe; the rest is irrelevant. "The case is closed, Mulder. Let it be."

Exhasperation stiffens his movement. I can see that Mulder wants to lash out at me. He must think my by-the-book attitude has thwarted his quest for the truth. He couldn't be more wrong. I've become an expert at hiding lately. Intentions, motives. . . feelings, all hidden from view to ensure that Mulder's quest continues. But not with SR 819. It's too dangerous. Politically he would be ripped to shreds if he probed too deep. And his blood would be on my hands. The blood of my. . .STOP IT!

Mulder must have seen the conflict in my eyes because he looks at me questioningly. But I cut him off before he can say anything. "Is there anything else?"

"No, Sir." His eyes search me one last time before he walks out the door.

I fall back into my chair, exhausted, troubled. I know Mulder and Scully will go after Krycek, with or without my help. That makes my search for him all the more urgent. I must get the answers or die trying so that my reason for living can live for me.

Goddammit! Why did I have to go and fall in love with Fox Mulder?

*********************************************************

Chapter 2: I Am Not Convinced

First, I am not convinced that Skinner doesn't know who that man is.

In fact, I'm convinced he *does* know. The way he brushed off the pictures and our request convinced me of that.

Then there is that look in his eyes today. I am not convinced he's dealing with the aftermath of SR 819 by the books. For a second, he looked haunted, as if he's trying to deal with the devil. 

I saw something else behind his eyes when I barged into his office today. It surprised me. He looked at me almost affectionately. Or was he only comisserating with the downtrodden? Either way, I think if I start investigating SR 819 again, he won't say a word. He's still involved. He may need help. And I will help him. I don't want anything to happen to Skinner. He's risked his career and his life to help Scully and me. I owe him. 

But right now I'm growing bored with this telephone conversation with the fiftieth person I've had to run a background check on today. "No Mr. Carter, I'm not accusing you of anything. This is a routine check."

As I finish the call, Scully comes back to our section of the office. She smiles at me as she grabs her coat. "I'm going home Mulder. It's your turn to pick up breakfast in the morning."

"Doughnuts ok Scully?"

"Get me a bagel instead."

"Ok. Goodnight, see you tomorrow." Scully waves as she makes her way to the front lobby. 

Scully, my best friend, my soulmate. At this point in time I can't live without her, and she does not want to live without me. But there is nothing physical between us. I've thrown some hints her way that I wouldn't mind something more. She brushed them off. I don't let it worry me. Our relationship is solid. If she doesn't want anything else, I'm not going to spoil US by pushing her. I just have to find other options.

That's the hard part. My reputation precedes me. Not many people want to be seen with Spooky Mulder. The few women I've asked out since starting the X-files have either turned me down or did not extend our relationship beyond a one night stand. And my other option. . .Well, I have enough of a reputation. I didn't need anyone finding out I like to sleep with men too, so I didn't pursue any.

I stare at the computer in front of me, the information on it meaningless to me. I sigh. There are days I feel so desperate for the touch of another human being that I'd be willing to break my rule about not pursuing men. Today is such a day. Oddly enough, the image of Skinner with that look in his eyes this morning floats through my mind. Stop it, there's no way that's going to happen. 

I take a deep breath and try to get back to work.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Two hours and three files later, I finally get ready to call it quits. I'm too tired and frustrated to do anything more tonight. 

I gather the files and walk to put them in a bin near the wall when somebody calls my name.

"Mulder, don't you ever go home?" Skinner walks toward me, his coat on his arm. "I want to talk to you for a minute, if you don't mind."

"I was just finishing up some background checks, Sir. What do you want?" I know I sound sullen, but all I want to do now is get home to my video collection so I can relax.

"I don't want you pursuing SR 819. I know you had plans to look into it, but let me keep an eye on the situation for now. I don't think anyone else is in danger from that man right now." He looks me straight in the eye, daring me to deny my intentions.

His words confirm my suspicion. He knows who that man is. But why is he pursuing this alone? That man could kill him. "Sir, it's too risky. . ." I barely get this out before he interrupts me.

"Look Mulder, you and I both know that you do good work, but right now you can't afford to bend the rules. Kersch already thinks you are nothing more than a liability to the Bureau. I'll be ok. I don't. . ." Skinner suddenly turns his head away from me, as if he wants to hide his thoughts from me.

I look down. His hands are shaking, gripping his coat tightly. "Sir?" What the hell has him so agitated? His concern for our well-being drove him anger and criminal acts, but I've never seen him like this.

"I just don't want to see you hurt." His eyes meet mine again. I see a flame in them combined with the affection I thought I saw this morning. He reaches out to take my hand and grips it tightly. "Please, Mulder. Don't do it."

I give him the only promise I can. "I'll stay out of it as long as nobody else gets hurt."

He accepts this and leaves me with my thoughts.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

I grab my coat and head toward the outside world. My rush to get home to my video collection is forgotten as I try to figure out exactly what I saw on Skinner's face today. I know Skinner cares what happens to Scully and me, and that he has tried to keep me from destroying myself a few times. That doesn't explain what I saw today. That was more like how Scully looks when she talks about her mom. And there was something else, just a glimmer.

Dare I hope it was attraction? God, I am getting desperate. Even if Skinner is attracted to me, acting on the knowledge could get us both into a jam. He has enough on his shoulders already.

But I'm still planning a way to act upon my suspicions, finding a way to act on a fantasy I've buried so deep that I haven't even acknowledged it until now.

Because I am not convinced I am alone in my lust and desperation. I'm not convinced at all.

*********************************************************

Chapter 3: Persuasion

My desperation and my fantasies are making it difficult to function at work.

I see him everyday, usually walking down the hall to and from his office. I haven't acted on my suspicions yet, I wanted to wait until the crisis with SR 819 was completely over. Well, I don't think we've seen the last of the long-haired man, but I haven't seen him lately and Skinner's lost that pinched look that was on his face for days after I talked to him last. I think its safe to start acting on my plan.

My first opportunity comes when I'm asked to help out with a VCS case in Maryland. Although Scully told me Kersch considers me a "lost cause," I guess I'm still too valuable to completely throw aside. Someone should have told that to the agents I'm working with. The minute I walked into sight of Agents Reid and Sarno, they started questioning my every move instead those of the suspects. To make matters worse, this case involved the ritual murders of five children. I have had enough when I make little progress due to these two clowns and a sixth child dies.

I make the decision to approach Skinner out of desperation. He knows how people respond to "Spooky Mulder." I doubt Kersch knows or cares.

"Come in Mulder. Kimberly said you needed to talk to me immediately?"

As I explain the situation to Skinner, his face takes on a red tone. "Continue your work, I'll have a talk with Reid and Sarno." This is said in that gruff tone he tends to take on when trying to protect Scully and me.

An inspiration hits me, both to feed some information to Skinner and to get those idiots to back off. "Oh, and can you tell Sarno to quit making passes at me. I'd take him up on the offer but I don't sleep with people who insult me." It is widely known in Bureau circles that Sarno is gay, and he did make one pass at me, but it was just a look and a touch on the shoulder. But I know he'd view my comment to Skinner as an accusation of sexual harassment. It is also a way to suggest to Skinner that I like men. Hey, it's a start.

I get a questioning look from Skinner after this but he nods and calls for Kimberly to come into his office.

I'm not bothered by Reid and Sarno anymore and the murderers are caught before another child could be hurt.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

Only half awake, I gasp as my dream comes back to me. Skinner, dead from SR 819, Scully dying of the same, I'm powerless.

My chair rolls slightly as my body squirms. This jolts me awake enough to open my eyes. Skinner is staring into my face with a worried expression. "Mulder, are you ok?"

"Yes, Sir. Sorry." I look back at him guiltily. I didn't mean to fall asleep at my desk. I'm supposed to be waiting for Scully to call so I can run checks on the suspects in the case she's working on. But it's almost midnight and my insomnia has been in high gear this week.

Skinner pulls up a chair from another desk as my phone rings.

"Mulder."

"Mulder, it's me. Why don't you go home and save those checks for tomorrow. I don't have any more information to give you right now. I'm sorry to keep you there so late. I was hoping we could wrap this up tonight."

"It's ok Scully. I've improved my skills in solitaire. Have a good night and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I hang up and turn toward Skinner who is looking at me pensively. "Is there something I can do for you, Sir?"

"You can tell me what was in your dream that nearly knocked you out of your chair." Skinner lays his hand on my shoulder. His concerned eyes draw me in. I squirm a little as my body responds to his overpowering presence.

"I ah dreamed that Scully was dying again." I turn my eyes away from his, trying to get back under control. Too many feelings are pulling at me at once: attraction, worry that my dream will come true, something pulling at my gut that I don't dare label.

Skinner grabs my chin and forces my head back. "Scully is safe. I promise you that." Suddenly, he backs away from me and I can see his hand shaking slightly. His face is schooled into a calm mask, but for a split second I saw that affectionate look again. 

This time I act. I grab his hand and squeeze slightly, trying to convey my thanks and empathy for his current condition. He smiles slightly, then gets up out of the chair. "Go home Mulder. Get some real sleep." He then walks back to his office. My eyes follow him, but I don't see him glance back even once.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Three days later, I see Skinner standing by my car as I walk to it after a tiring day of tapping the Bureau database for background checks.

"Mulder, can I talk to you?"

"Is something wrong, Sir?" I dare not hope that I'm getting his attention. 

"It's not work related. Let's go for a drink?"

I agree and suggest a quiet bar a few blocks away from Hoover. We each drive in our own cars and meet at the door of the small building. Skinner picks out a booth and we order two beers.

Skinner sighs. "Let me be blunt about this. Are you coming on to me?"

I don't know what to say. I suddenly am very afraid that I misinterpreted his glances and that he is offended.

My fear must show on my face because he continues. "Because if you are, I'd like to accept your offer."

I stumble over my words. "Yeah, un yeah I was. Well, uh, how do we go about this?"

"Meet me at this motel tomorrow night at eight o'clock. I'll take care of getting the room, and some food if you want." He hands me an address for a small motel right outside of Alexandria, which I've seen and know is relatively clean and quiet.

"Ok. How about some Chinese?"

"Fine, I'll see you tomorrow night." With that, Skinner finishes his beer and grabs his coat. He squeezes my shoulder and is gone.

As I finish my own beer, something occurs to me.

I'm about to get what I've wanted for a long time, but all of a sudden, I want something more.

*********************************************************

Chapter 4: Lack of Knowledge

I knew exactly what I was getting when I made Mulder that offer last night.

He wants sex, a release of tension, nothing more. I want it all, love, passion, maybe even commitment later, but right now I'll have to take what I can get.

Plans whirl in my head as I grab my coat and plan to leave my office on time, for once. I need to change my clothes, catch up on some bills, give myself some time to let this sink in.

When I get to my apartment, I rush through a shower and dress in jeans, sneakers, and a tan pull-over sweater. I sit down at my small kitchen table and write checks to pay my rent and insurance, among other things. All the while, I'm trying to ignore the nagging doubts that keep interrupting my routine.

As I go back out the door at seven with an overnight bag filled with necessities, these doubts have put butterflies in my stomach and have a light sweat covering my body. Am I doing the right thing here? Maybe I should have ignored Mulder's cues and just left well enough alone. I know I jumped the gun on him, I propositioned him before his 'seduction' got past the hand-holding stage. Did I scare him off by rushing into this?

My body is working on automatic at this point. I barely remember driving and stopping for various containers of Chinese takeout before I reach the small motel. It's 6:45 as I stop at the reception desk to get the key to the room. I must be scaring the teenager at the desk with my gruff tone. His hands shake even more than mine when he hands me the key.

As I park my Buick in the appropriate spot and walk over to open the door, I see Mulder's Taurus pull up. Suddenly, I can barely hold the key steady enough to fit it into the lock. Somehow I manage to get the door open and I beckon Mulder inside as he walks toward me. A quick stop back at my car to grab the food and my bag, and I come inside and lock the door. Mulder is sitting on the edge of the king-sized bed wringing his hands. He too, is wearing jeans and a sweater, both black. His leather jacket is lying next to him on the bed.

I take the food over to the little table and take off my coat. I gesture with my hand to invite him over. "Let's eat. Tell me what I'm missing in the main office." I smile slightly, trying to get him to lose that pinched look on his face.

"Scully finally solved that case she was working on and is back home. Kersch wants to send her out on another one, but she put her foot down. I don't think she likes leaving me alone for too long."

I know exactly what he means. Kersch is trying to give Scully a shot at a credible job, away from Mulder. She's not biting. In fact, she has made her undying loyalty known to the entire Bureau to try to get Kersch off her back. I want to lash out at Kersch for trying to bury Mulder and pull his only friend away from him, but I'm already in hot water. I'm biding my time the best I can. In the meantime, I'm doing what I can to slip Mulder some of the X-files Fowley and Spender turn their noses up at.

But Mulder doesn't know this. "I don't blame her. You tend to get into trouble when her back is turned."

Mulder chuckles at this as he takes a bite of shrimp. Some of the tension leaves the room and we share a knowing glance. The X-files have cost us both a lot: loved ones, status, pride, health. During our exchange of empathetic looks, I vow to work even harder to get Mulder and Scully back where they belong: in the basement, saving the world from what it doesn't know.

But first thing first. I finish off my broccoli and chicken, and toss the containers in the trash. "So, what now?"

Mulder looks at me, slightly shocked. I guess he expected me to jump him as soon as he finished eating. Hell, I may be rather brusk and no-nonsense at the Bureau, but my personal life is a whole different matter. "It's up to you Mulder. We can continue this, or we can go back to our respective apartments and forget the whole thing."

Nervousness covers his face. "I want to, but I don't know how. . ."

"You haven't had sex with a man before?"

"No, it's not that. I've had experience with other guys. But they were spontaneous, in dark corners, you know . . ."

"You didn't have to think about it, try to figure out where to begin. I've been there, too. Do whatever you are comfortable with Mulder. Let's not make this a challenge. It's just a way to relax. I know you need that after all that you've been through in the past couple months."

Mulder gets up and moves toward the bed. He looks back at me, a question on his face. "Will you let me. . .I want to fuck you."

It's not exactly what I had in mind but my heart wouldn't let me deny him what he wants. I stand up and grab my bag, extracting a small bottle of lube and a condom. His hand shakes slightly as he takes them from me and puts them on the night table.

We stand for a minute, staring at each other. I'm waiting for him to make the first move, I don't want to scare him. Finally, he grabs the bottom of my sweater and pulls it up. I help him pull it over my head and toss it in the corner of the room. Lightening shoots through me as his hands smooth over my shoulders, tickling my nipples. I reach to meld my lips to his, but he turns his head away and falls to his knees.

Fumbling fingers unfasten my jeans and pull them and my underwear toward my ankles in one movement. Those same fingers are more adept when they encircle my erection. I barely begin to give myself over to the sensations washing over me when I catch Mulder's eyes. That's when I notice the change in him. Those hazel orbs hold a far away look and his actions have taken on an almost mechanical quality. My pleasure subsides noticeably.

But Mulder doesn't seem to notice. He just gets up and strips off his clothes quickly. "Get on the bed." I quickly toe off my sneakers and pull the clothes off my legs. Mulder watches distractedly as I lie down on my back. 

"No, on your stomach." Before I can protest that I wanted to watch him, he is tugging on my arm to pull me face down. I relent, concerned that Mulder is not really here with me. His next actions reinforce that conclusion. He grabs the condom and lube and prepares himself quickly.

Without preparing me at all, his cock shoves into my tight opening. I groan in pain. "Mulder, let up a little. It hurts."

His only response is to begin to piston his rod into me, hard. Every stroke pulls a gasp of agony from my lips. I turn to try to decipher what is going on in his head. His face is strained, with his eyes tightly shut. Shock tugs at me when I notice the tear tracks on his cheeks.

Mulder's body drives him to completion before I can get the nerve up to question him. He pulls out of me quickly. I bury my head in a pillow to muffle my scream of pain. His jeans are on him before I am able to turn over and look towards him. He catches my eyes for a second, then turns his head.

"Uh, thank you, S--." He catches himself before the word is finished. He says nothing more but continues to dress rapidly. I quickly move off the bed as he shrugs into his jacket.

He jerks away as I reach for his shoulder. "Mulder, where are you going?"

"I have to get back to my apartment. Scully will be there soon." The lie doesn't sound very convincing, but confusion mutes my response. All I can think to do is grab my underwear as he hurries out the door.

I finish dressing slowly as I hear a car door slam and a motor start. As Mulder's car roars away, I finally turned my thoughts back to the specifics of what just happened. 

One thing quickly became apparent. Mulder didn't have sex with me tonight. 

I don't have any clue what was going on behind his eyes, but I am determined to find out. Whatever it is, it's torturing him. I doubt he got any pleasure from our coupling.

I grab my things and walk over to the office to hand in the key.

As I get into my car and drive away, one thought occupies me.

How do I save Mulder from his inner demons?

*********************************************************

Chapter 5: The Pain of Prejudice

I have to stop the car on the side of the road about a mile from the motel to calm down. My hands are shaking so badly I can't even hold the wheel.

What the hell did I just do? Yeah, I know my what my actions were. I just fucked my former boss. The hardnosed Assistant Director Walter Sergei Skinner. So why do I barely remember any of it?

I wish I didn't have an answer for that too, but I do. I left my body while having sex with a man. Again. The tormenting world of my mind swallowed me up again, pulling me back into the punishment of a past I am trying frantically to escape. But this time I hurt someone. There was a trail of blood on the sheet when I pulled out of him. Not a lot, but enough to convince me that he wasn't safe if I stayed there any longer. 

So I left. I pulled the first lie I could think of out of me "genius" mind and ran like a scared rabbit. That confused look in his eyes was a too-small punishment for what I had done to him, but he let me go without anything more.

What do I do now? I can't face him, not after this. He must think I'm psychotic. I'm not so sure I'm not.

Breathe. Try to get under control. After a couple of minutes, I drive home, to fight my demons alone.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Damn, what is he doing here?

As I get off the elevator on the 4th floor, I see him. He must have heard the elevator open, because as I walk out, he's turning toward me. His glasses hide his eyes, but his face appears calm.

"Agent Mulder, I want to talk to you. Please." He emphasizes the last word as he moves to let me open the door. I don't meet his eyes, but I gesture for him to walk into the apartment as I flick on a light. He looks around for a minute, then seats himself on the couch, not bothering to take his coat off. I keep my stance a few feet away, and nervously watch his movements.

He doesn't speak until those calm brown eyes meet mine. "Who hurt you?" 

How can he be so calm and quiet after what I did to him? He should be railing at me, punishing me for what I did to him. Yet he sits on my couch and looks at me as if he just asked me what the weather will be tomorrow.

Ironically, his calm face makes me see red. "What do you care? I gave you what you wanted, didn't I?"

"No you didn't, but that's not the issue here. Who hurt you?" I back away towards the door as he gets up and moves to reach for me.

"Mulder, let me help you."

"No. No! You won't understand! I--can't.." 

A red haze falls over my sight and I reach blindly to fight the demons I feel attacking me. I don't even realize that I'm moving until Skinner clutches my hand tightly to keep it from connecting with my wall. I lunge at him, enraged further, but he grabs my shoulders tightly, preventing me from doing any harm to either of us.

He turns me and pushes me backward toward the couch. Struggling does nothing to stop this. He pushes down on my shoulders, and I drop, my strength suddenly leaving me as exhaustion sets in. He plants himself on the coffee table in front of me and grabs my hand. It is rare that I'm touched with such tenderness. 

Only the sound of our breathing and the tick of my wall clock mar the silence. So tired. . . My eyes droop shut, the feel of his strong hand caressing mine soothes me.

\---------------------------------------------------

The next thing I know, sunlight is streaming in through the shades on my livingroom windows and the smell of coffee pulls me from unconsciousness. My eyes open to see one of the pillows and the blanket from the waterbed lying on the floor next to me in a heap. As footsteps echo from my tiny kitchen, my sight raises to take in Skinner walking toward me, two coffee cups in his hands. He hands me a cup, which I take gratefully.

"I hope you don't mind. I didn't want to leave you alone last night." 

"It's fine. Thanks."

His smile is soft and sympathetic, but he doesn't say a word. Instead he moves the coffee table back next to the couch and picks up the blanket and pillow and returns them to the bedroom. When he returns to the livingroom, I'm standing next to the sofa, trying to make sense of everything that has happened the last few days.

"Mulder." Softly, just enough to get my attention. I turn toward caring eyes.

"I can see this is tough, but I'd like to understand. What is going on?"

Ah, hell, this is my punishment for what I've done. He deserves an explanation. I give in and prepare to meet my fate.

\-------------------------------------------------

After Samantha was abducted when I was twelve, my parents withdrew from life as much as possible. Holidays were silent and grey instead of the cheerful celebrations they were before. My steps toward maturity, first dates, proms, graduations were ignored or met with a degrading comment about my competency at school or in social circles. I had to learn to survive on my own quickly, with nothing to comfort me. 

When I was seventeen, in during the summer before I left for Oxford, I met someone who I thought could change all that. Steven was twenty, three years my senior, but was as enthusiastic about life as a ten year old. He took me to carnivals on the mainland, dragged me through Boston to see the sites I usually ignored, and taught me the joys of swimming in the water that had so often made me sick as I rode its waves with my father.

Steve never cued me about his sexuality, but before the end of that summer, my view of him had changed drastically. He was my best friend and confidante. He sat with me in the sand on the beach as I cried over Sam and the lost connection with my parents. He argued heatedly while I tried to defend the way my parents treated me. I was not responsible for Samantha's kidnapping, he said. I almost believed him.

During the last few days I was home, I began to touch Steve more. Slaps on the back turned into wrestling in the sand. During one of our games, my lips accidentally caught his. At that point, time stopped. He stared into my flushed face, silently questioning my intent. In a sudden burst of realization and nerve, I kissed him properly. He returned it with enough passion to make my head spin.

With a few words of agreement, we raced toward my house and up the stairs to my bedroom. Our scantily clad bodies were soon naked and writhing together on my bed, neither of us realizing that the door to the room was still open. Until my father's furious voice reached our ears.

We broke apart to see him in the doorway with one of my baseball bats in his hands. We tried to protect ourselves, but Dad was too quick. Blows fell on my back and legs, knocking me to the floor. But his worst damage was to Steve. A strong whack to the side of the head had him face-down on my bed, unconscious. His blood was soaking my sheets. 

Mom called an ambulance while I was still dazed on the floor. Steve was taken to the hospital with the explanation that he hit his head on one of my bedposts. I was left in my father's 'capable' hands.

Mom tried to calm him down, but to no avail. Words like 'perverted' and 'evil' reached my ears with alarming frequency for the next few hours. I spent most of that time on my bed, curled in a ball and staring at Steve's blood on my white sheets.

I eventually tried to have sex with another man right after I broke up with Phoebe. My father's words echoing in my brain made it a less than pleasant experience.

Although I tried, I never could ignore my attraction to people of my own sex. I often initiated sex with them, but I never topped. And although my body responded to their touches, my mind never could get past my father's glaring eyes.

\-----------------------------------------------

"I thought if I was in control of the situation, it would be better. I'm sorry." Despite my best efforts, tears begin to fall down my cheeks.

"I haven't blamed you since it happened. I could tell something was wrong when you blanked out on me." His hand caresses my arm comfortingly.

My frustration with the whole situation catches up with me. I try to wrench away from his hand, but he will have none of it.

"Mulder, *Fox*, look at me!" His eyes gaze calmly at me with that look that got me into this situation. "Look, I care for you a lot and I want to try to help."

As I back away from him with a sneer of self-derision on my face, his words growl at me. "Stop it. You are worthy of a caring relationship, with whomever you choose. Your father was wrong, asnd what he did to you was inexcusable."

He pulled my resisting form into his arms. "I want to show you what you've been missing."

"But what if. . ."

"Shh. Now that I know what happened, I won't let it get that far unless I know you're with me. And I won't push you into anything you don't want or don't think you're ready for."

His affectionate growl pulls tears to the surface again. My voice is quiet as I give him his reply. "Ok."

With that, he pulls my head to his shoulder and rubs a soothing hand down my back. My sobs cause me to shudder and I have to grab his shoulders to stay upright.

He just stands there and holds me, a rock in the rough waters of my life.

Only now do I dare to hope that the storm will end.

*********************************************************

Chapter 6: The Path of Awareness

Real trust isn't built in a day. It takes time and effort.

But trying to foster trust in Fox Mulder is like waiting for an ice age to end. 

I learned to be patient through leadership training at Quantico. They never trained me for this.

After his outburst Saturday morning, I stayed with him while he cried and cursed the entire world for the next few hours. I just listened to the sounds of some wounds reopening and others bleeding profusely. I held his hand when he let me, but the caution in his eyes stilled my more affectionate instincts. Although I wanted to, I could do nothing more for him. I couldn't make the past all right. So I waited for him to come back to the present.

When he finally exhausted himself, we talked. We discussed the events that had gotten us to this point and where we wanted to go from here. As I expected, Mulder's paranoia was in full gear. He didn't want to be seen in public with me unless on a case. I already risked too much for Scully and him, he said. I talked him down to a compromise: We wouldn't be seen in public around DC. I had a few vacation spots in mind to take him later. I wasn't about to allow Bureau policy and prejudice keep me from showing him my world.

We decided that, for now, we would just take it easy and get to know each other. So in the last week, we spent time in each other's apartment after work, watching sports and bad movies, and talking. We talked incessantly about whatever came to mind. X-files, likes and dislikes, and even some of Mulder's past became topics of hours-long conversations. But when I mentioned Scully, he diverted to another subject. He said he wasn't ready to figure out how to tell her about us yet. I gave him my sympathy, but cautioned him. She's too smart and too close to him to not discover this situation sooner or later. It's better if one of us discusses it with her, rather than her finding out on her own.

Although we strove whole-heartedly for mental closeness, in the whole week, he only touched me four times. He grasped my hands twice during a difficult discussion about Samantha. His hand lay on my face as I told him of my experience in Vietnam. I counted each touch as one step down a very rocky path towards me. I didn't reach out to him, except with my voice. My voice that tries to soothe and caress his frayed nerves and painful wounds. The hug that I received last night after he woke from a nightmare gave me hope that were are getting somewhere, that he's starting to trust me and himself a little more.

So I sit here sitting about all this in my armchair as the setting sun ushers in another Friday night. A book about child abuse lays on my lap as I gaze out the window. Mulder told me yesterday that he needs some time to think, so I decided to do some research to get a more informed opinion on how to help him.

My head whirls with ideas as I get up to make myself some dinner a few hours later. I'm so distracted as I dump the pasta into the pot that I almost don't hear the doorbell. When it finally registers, I turn down the heat on the stove and walk to the door. As I look through the peephole, Mulder's agitated figure greets my sight. I can see him tugging on the bottom of his leather jacket as he waits for the door to open.

As I open the door, a self-derisive grimace twists itself over his face. "I'm sorry to bug you--." I choose to ignore the attitude. "Come in. I'm just making dinner. Are you hungry?" I must've caught him off-guard because he looks at me blankly for a minute. Then my acceptance sinks in. "Yeah, thanks."

He helps me finish making the simple meal. He is silent as we sit down at my small kitchen table with our food. So I venture carefully to find out what's on his mind. "Did you have enough time to think today? I didn't expect to see you until at least tomorrow."

"Yes. No." He leans back in his chair and runs his hand through his hair. I--I want to find a way to get over my damned problem." He doesn't need to tell me what problem. I grab his hand and hold it tight until his features calm and I know he won't bolt. "Don't rush it, Mulder. You've had to deal with your memories for a long time. Nothing's going to change overnight."

"But what about you---?"

For a fraction of a second I see red. "Do you really think I'd do anything that might hurt you, just to get my rocks off?" My expression must be pretty severe because he immediately lowers his eyes to the table. "I don't know. I just don't want. . ."

Those books were good for something. The words 'you to leave me' echo through my mind. The scared look on his face confirms my guess. I try to ease his mind. "Look, I'm not going anywhere. I can wait until you're ready."

The small smile was a relief to me. But his eyes were still troubled. "What is it? You're not telling me everything here."

"I, uh, that is, I can't--"

"Tell me." I try to hold his gaze, to reassure him.

"I haven't been able to. . .My video collection. . ."

I smile. I know about that collection. I've come across pieces of it over the years. "Need a little relief?"

"Yeah."

"Ok." I get up from the table and move to stand in front of him. "I can give you a few of my things or---"

He looks up at me. Suddenly, my body grows warm. His eyes reach out to me, hold me. "No. You."

Those two words contain all the trust Fox Mulder can muster. It shines through those hazel depths. I'm not sure either of us are ready for this, but I dare not let him down.

\------------------------------------------------

After a minute, I grab Mulder's hand and pull him up from the chair. We walk together to the livingroom, to the sofa. I guide him to lay down on it as I've seen him on his own, when he sleeps. My glasses are placed on the coffee table behind me. I kneel on the floor next to his head and gaze down at him, trying to convey the love I cannot speak of yet.

His look reminds me of one that I've seen small children give their parents. This is what trust looks like before we try to define it, put constraints on it. It makes me want to hide him from all the evil that's been thrown at us both.

Instead, I focus on the body before me. I run my fingertips lightly down his arms. He shivers as I take his hands and bring them to my lips. "Let me do this. You just lie there, ok?"

"But--" I bring one finger to his lips. "Shh. I want you to feel it, feel *me*."

I hold his gaze as my hands drift slowly under his t-shirt. I silently watch in amazement as his face reflects his pleasure when I smooth my fingers up his chest and over his nipples. I move my hands back down and pull the hem of the shirt toward his head. He lifts himself from the couch slightly to help me pull it off him.

I listen intently to his gasps as my lips replace my hands. I smooth open kisses over his collarbones, over his well-developed pectoral muscles. When my tongue touches a small nub, I feel him push up toward me. His hand reaches to wrap around my head, holding me there. I oblige him, hardening the nipple with my lips and tongue until he's had his fill and his grip loosens.

As I move my head toward his abdomen, his body shifts, tightens. A warning bell goes off in my head and I look up toward his face. I'm starting to lose him. After a second of shock, I quickly move my hands to his head, to direct his gaze to mine. I call him back quietly. "Mulder. Hey, I'm here. It's just us. Shhh." I keep my voice slow and quiet, drawing him carefully from the depths of his mind. When I'm satisfied I have him back, I let my hands rest on his abdomen, just sharing my warmth. I watch his expression shift to one of dismay as he realizes what just happened.

"Hey, it's ok. Can you tell me what happened? Did I do something wrong?"

His teeth worry his lip and he shifts his eyes toward the back of the couch. "No, it's me--"

"Don't blame yourself for your father's crimes. He caused this, not you." I sigh. "We don't have to do this. I can let you. . ."

"No! I want you to do this. Just. . .Just keep watching me, ok?" I am puzzled, then suddenly realize what he means. He must have been focusing on my eyes to keep himself grounded. He slowly drifted back into the past when I drew my gaze from his.

"If you're sure?" He nods his head slightly. At that, my hands resume their quest to soothe and arouse.

This time his vocalizations are louder and sound more intense. His hands cover mine to guide them to sensitive spots on his abdomen. His eyes close momentarily as a gasp wrenches through him, but a second later his hazel depths swallow me up again. My body hardens at the fire in his eyes. The small, still-coherent part of my mind rejoices.

My hand is finally guided to his erection. I run my fingers over its covered hardness then, careful not to look away from him, I slowly unfasten and slide down the barriers to my caresses. We both moan as I wrap my hand around his cock's hot length. Pleasure makes his eyes widen as I smooth my finger over the sensitive parts of the tip, the underside. But he is already too far gone for that to suffice. "Walter, please!"

I give him what he wants. My hand tightens around him, pulling slightly as I start a rhythm. His groans inflame me, urging me on. As I increase the speed of my hand, his voice sparks through my body and my heart. "So good. . .Oh God! Walter!" His eyes go wild and finally unlock from mine as his body arches and semen splashes on my hand and his stomach.

I smile at him, my body still aroused but my mind calm. His returning smile is a thousand watts, gleeful. "I never knew I could. . .Thank you."

"The pleasure was mine."

A mischievous glint appears in his eyes suddenly. "No, but it will be."

Then, before I could protest or question him, Mulder wraps a hand around the back of my head and pulls me down. God, his lips are so sweet. His mouth plunders mine, searching, finding his passion returned tenfold. I come up, gasping for air, then fall back for more. Control is slipping away, I'm drowning in fire.

Oh God, his hand! What is he-- After cupping my cock through my jeans, he undoes the buttons and slides them and my underwear down. I try to utter a protest, to tell him I don't need this, but his mouth swallows the words before they can be spoken. He pulls back from my lips as his hand begins to echo the movements of mine earlier. "It's ok, Walter. Let me show you the gift you gave me." The singing in my soul helps him wipe away the shreds of my control.

"Mull-der!" Ahh, his mouth! What is he doing?! My eyes can barely focus on his dark hair as he swallows my length slowly. His tongue reaches for and finds every spot that makes me groans, gasp, ans wail. God, I can't-- The murmurs of pleasure coming from the mouth covering my cock are the last straw. Stars shoot behind my eyelids as I'm caught on a livewire, jerking as the sweet jolts fly though me and my seed is spilled into his waiting mouth.

I catch myself before my weight falls onto him, and look to see him, amazed, pleased with himself. I laugh softly, a low rumble in my throat. I move my lips to his to taste our flavor, then fold my body against the couch and rest my head on his chest. 

I smile as I hear his whispered "Thank you."

No, thank you, Mulder. Your trust has made me complete.

*********************************************************

Chapter 7: Belief in the Self

When I look back on that day, I have to hide from people. My body still reacts with arousal and my face takes on this look of wonder. I know, I was shaving and looking in the mirror once when it happened. It happened a week ago. I had sex with Walter Skinner and didn't feel the pain from memories, from my father's strong disapproval. Wow. 

Since that Friday night, we've spent every night together. He listens to my frustrations with Kersch with empathy. I don't think he likes the man much. He growls when I tell him what Scully has heard Kersch call me. I don't bother with the man. I think making friends with him is pointless. He has been acting like the spy I thought Scully was, so long ago.

Walter also shows me what I was missing when I was so caught up in my past. His simplest touch can blow my mind because of the passion behind it. When I came to his apartment on Tuesday night, I barely had the door closed before he kissed me, just a light peck on the lips. I as so overcome by the feeling behind that small caress that I had to back him against the wall by the door and show my appreciation. I'm going to have to dryclean my coat. I dont want Scully seeing the semen stains.

I've gotten my reactions a little more under control since then, but it still amazes me that the man truly cares for me. What did I do to deserve this? I thought Scully was a gift. Walter is the grand prize in a almost-hopeless sweepstakes. I'm almost afraid to blink, he might disappear.

But I've survived this week and actually enjoyed it. Walter chased away my fears with a touch of his hand and a growl that I came to recognize as Tell-me-now-and-get-it-over-with. He listened to my fears and we discussed solutions. My fears don't get time to begin eating away at me now. And the physical side of us? It just keeps getting better, even though we don't do anything more complex than we did that first night. And Walter insists that I be able to see his eyes if I need to. I've had to pull his face up from my nether regions a couple times. He never protests or even questions me during these times. He just holds my gaze and waits until the pain leaves before asking me if I want to continue. I haven't refused yet, and I don't think I ever will.

So why am I shaking now, sitting on the waterbed that mysteriously got planted in my bedroom a couple weeks ago? Because I'm planning to give him what up until now I couldn't: My complete trust. I'm going to trust him to keep me grounded while using my body for his pleasure. No, that's not right. To give us both pleasure. If that's possible. I hope it is, I don't want Walter disappointed in me.

Damn. I have to stop drowning in my own psyche. Usually Scully helps me sort this type of thing out. But my paranoia has extended toward her of late. After I sort this out with Walter, I have to repair the damage to my partnership. It's hard maintaining one relationship while growing another.

Time to stop thinking and start doing. I get up and put new sheets on the bed. Since we decided to meet at my apartment today, it's my turn to get the food. I grab the phone and order from the Chinese place not far from here. My apartment has been cleaner than it has been in awhile, due to my mysterious redecorator and Walter's obsession with putting everything in it's proper place. So picking up the few stray things takes only a few minutes. Now all I can do is pull out the file Kersch wants completed by Monday and wait for the food and my lover.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Seven o'clock on the dot. I hear the knock on my door. The food just arrived fifteen minutes earlier. I finish putting the file away and go to let him in. He smiles at me as I notice the bag in his hand. "Good beer. Not the stuff you get for $1.50 for a six-pack."

I smile in appreciation as I let him in. Walter spots the containers of food on the coffee table and sniffs the air. "You ordered from the Garden, didn't you? Wonderful." He never complains about my perchance for take-out. He just makes his preferences of restaurants known to me.

We sit down and begin pulling open the containers. As we do, he lets me in on his plans to try to upset our current positions in the Bureau. "Spender and Fowley have deliberately ignored cases. Not only the cases you would have jumped at because they involve crop circles. They've also ignored the murders and kidnappings that have been passed down to them."

I think my nervousness has impaired my brain. I can't see what he's getting at here. "So?"

"So, they are neglecting some important cases, some that may not be X-files, but VCS cases that need more imaginative thinking than VCS can produce. Kersch has stopped me from getting them to you directly, so I'm going to file a reprimand on those two and see if I can pull you back to the basement. That ok with you?"

"Yeah, but do you think it'll be enough?"

"Probably not, but it's a start. Be patient."

"What about Krycek?" Walter finally confessed to the identity of the man who gave him SR 819. I was furious when I found out that he was trying to deal with the rat by himself, but he assured me he'd tell me when he sees the turncoat again.

"This might be exactly what he wants. I don't know why, but . . ." He trails off, and just shrugs his shoulders.

I let it go. Normally, I'd want all his ideas about Krycek's intent, but tonight my mind is elsewhere. He notices my distraction after a few minutes. "What's on your mind, Mulder? I don't usually get off that easy."

"Umm. . . It's nothing." Damn, I get to this point and I don't know what to say. "I uh, just wanted to ask you about trying something."

"Ok, so ask and stop looking as if I'm holding a gun to your head. Nothing you can ask is going to make leave here out of anger." I thought Scully was the only mindreader in my life. I sigh, trying to get my nerve up.

"I want you to fuck me tonight." I don't like the way I sound, like a meek child, but at least I said it.

"Are you sure you're ready for that? I don't want to hurt you. Physically or *emotionally*."

"But I know you want to. I don't want to hold out on you."

Wrong thing to say. His face turns red but his voice remains calm, as always. "Look, I don't think you're holding out on me. I think you've been hurt and need to heal. Healing takes *time*."

Patience has never been my strong suit. "I've had it up to here with waiting! I want to get over this *now*, before it starts impairing what we have!" My voice echoes through the apartment as it did when I found out about Krycek. Only now I realize how angry I am at myself for letting my memories get the best of me.

"Calm down. I'm not going anywhere. We have to talk about this first, before *we* decide if this is worth the risk. Tell me about your other times, after Steven. Maybe we can figure out what not to do, at least."

He leans back towards one side of the couch, his large back wedged between the arm and the back. I put my empty container down and lean back against him.

"They weren't, uh, as personally involved as you are. Denis, a guy I met in England after I broke up with Phoebe, was the first. I met him at a bar right outside of the campus. We exchanged names, and he took me back to his place. We got right down to business, not much foreplay. He had me on my hands and knees within five minutes. I don't think he even noticed that I was soft the whole time."

"Was this the first time you had trouble being aroused? What about Phoebe?"

I wish he'd stop the mindreading. It's disconcerting. "I had trouble at he end of our relationship. I put that down to having my eyes opened about how much a bitch she is."

"Did you have trouble with other women?"

"No, except maybe for Diana, if you consider a mutual stopping of sex as trouble."

"Ok. So tell me what you think about when you 'blank out'." I actually appreciate that he's getting almost clinical-sounding in his questions. It makes removing myself from the pain easier.

"My father's voice, mostly. He ranted for hours after they sent Steven to the hospital. And I remember how much his voice hurt, not just because of what he was saying. He was telling me I was a no-good cocksucking freak, but that wasn't what I remember the most. I hit my head pretty hard, probably when i fell off the bed. I don't remember exactly. His voice pounded through my brain in more ways than one that night."

I look up at Walter's face, trying to gauge his thoughts. His returning look is gentle but not all there. I start to get up from the sofa. "If you don't want to do this. . ."

That brings him back to me, instantly. He pulls me back down. "Knock it off. Give me a second to absorb this, then we can decide what to do."

Now that I'm paying better attention to him, I can almost see the gears in his mind turning. I guess not all my snap judgements are accurate. After a few minutes, his arms tighten around me.

"Do you believe what your father said to you?"

All of a sudden, I'm speechless. Do I? Is part of my mind telling me I'm such a fuck-up that I'm worth the pleasure I seek? I sit up straight on the couch, thinking. Skinner moves to sit next to me, quietly watching me wring my hands.

He speaks after a few minutes. "I don't know what all your other 'lovers' thought, but when I look at you, I see a brilliant man, with the perseverence and stamina to take on some of the most powerful people in the world and win. Who you sleep with does nothing to alter my opinion."

A weight suddenly drops off my shoulders so hard I can almost hear the impact with the ground. I look toward Walter in amazement. "How could I believe his shit? How the hell?"

"You were a kid. Even at seventeen, it's hard not to want your parents' approval. But they were wrong, in what they said and what they believed. Scully probably could tell you even more clearly than I can how wrong they were. Give yourself the credit that's your due. And accept the love we are giving you. You are more than worth it."

He is giving me what? I know Scully loves me, but Walter?

"Yes I love you, you dolt. Now, I think we can do what you asked, if you still want to." He gets up and holds out his hand. I accept it without hesitating and let him pull me up. We go into the bedroom with our hands linked, his warmth channeling through his hand and spreading throughout my body.

\-------------------------------------------------

When we get inside the rom, Walter suddenly pushes me on the bed, smiling goofily down at me. He tickles my sides and the laughter bubbles up. God, that feels almost as good as our lovemaking this week. I pull him down onto me for a kiss. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Sex is serious business, you know." But there is laughter in my voice. For the first time with him, I'm not scared. And that realization is making me higher than a kite.

And he knows it. "I'm with the brilliant rule-breaker of the FBI. So I'm breaking the rules." His kisses on my neck make me squirm, so I return the favor by reaching under his turtleneck to squeeze his nipples lightly. His low growl is my reward.

A wrestling match ensues as we each try to get the clothes off each other, laughing at each tangle we get into until we are both naked. Then, the temperature climbs twenty degrees as his eyes flash with the love and passion he is so generous with when I'm around. His kiss draws my body to his like a magnet, our erections brushing together. Waves of pleasure blend together as our hands seek and caress all the spots we know produce moans and heat.

"More, Walter. I want more." I whisper in his ear. My newly-found confidence has made me demanding. But Walter just smiles and moves down my chest. His warm mouth takes my cock in, all at once. I see stars. But I force myself to hold off. I don't want to come just yet. "Walter!"

"Yes?"

"Fuck me already!"

He laughs, delighted at my words. I can see his approval on his face. "Ok, stay there for a second." He gets up and grabs the bottle of lubricant I put on the night table earlier.

When he comes back to the bed, he motions for me to spread my legs and kneels between them. His eyes swallow my gaze as he puts lubricant on his fingers and enters me for the first time with one finger. God! He hits my prostate on the first try. My eyes close. I'm too overwhelmed with the pleasure to be able to handle anything else. My body rocks as he pushes a second finger in and starts moving them inside me.

"Mulder." His soft voice calls me from the haze. I force my eyes open to see his body over mine, his hand still moving inside me. "Ready?"

"Yesss." The word comes out as a hiss, as he hits my prostate again. I groan softly as he removes his hand and grabs the bottle of lubricant again. Once his cock is coated with the stuff, he positions himself. Our eyes lock together as he enters me slowly.

Jesus, this was what I was missing! Our groans echo in unison as the pleasure hits me. I grab his arms and wrap my legs around his back to pull him deeper. He takes that as a cue and pulls out of me slightly, then pushes back in as far as he can. My moans become a constant counter-point to his rhythm, growing louder as he moves faster.

The pleasure builds until I hear an "I love you" whispered under his breath. That sends me tumbling over the edge into oblivion, without him ever touching my cock. His groan of completion comes seconds later and he falls against me.

I kiss the top of his head, thankful to him for this gift, of himself, so freely given. I feel him pull me tighter against his body as he moves to my side. "Ok?"

"More than ok. Thanks."

"Thanks for what?"

"For giving me my spirit back."

He growls affectionately as I rest my head on his shoulder. We fall asleep locked together, protecting each other from the rest of the world.

\-------------------------------------------------------  
Here ends Karma: Conviction

 

* * *

 

TITLE: Karma Interlude: On a Sunday Afternoon   
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk  
EMAIL ADDRESS:   
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, just tell me  
SPOILER WARNING: everything up to SR 819  
RATING: NC-17  
CLASSIFICATION: V, R  
CONTENT WARNING: Slash  
SUMMARY: Sundays are good days for love.  
DISCLAIMER: CC owns them all.   
Author's notes: This is my M/Sk PWP experiment. People who climb both sides of my fence probably saw this one coming (I just did a MSR PWP). I thought it would be nice to put this in the Karma universe, a little time after Conviction, because I plan to skip a big junk of time between it and book 2 of Karma. Let's let the guys have some fun before I send them through the wringer again. :) Sergeeva! This is for you. Thanks to Freddy Mercury and Queen, whose song I heard in my head while this was waiting to be written.

* * *

Karma Interlude: On a Sunday Afternoon  
by Ladyhawk ()

What a day! The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and it takes little effort for my feet to hit the pavement as I run through the neighborhoods of Crystal City. My feet move me back to place from whence I came eagerly. As I near the apartment, Walter becomes my center of attention.

He has struggled so hard to get Scully and me back to our rightful place. After Spender and Diana disappeared unexpectedly, he moved at lightspeed to pull us back into that gap. He succeeded, but not without cost. He has been exhausted the last week, both mentally and physically. I spent Friday night watching him talk to the Director on the phone, pleading our case. I cleaned his apartment yesterday to ease my conscience and keep me occupied while he spent the day at the office, preparing for our transfer. Each night I put him to bed with a struggle. He wanted to do more, right up until his head hit the pillow and body pulled his mind away from consciousness.

Walter finished the last preparatory steps this morning. When Scully and I walk in tomorrow morning, we walk right past the communal office and straight to our basement home. We have so much to do. . .but that's for later. Right now I'm hoping Walter took my advice and went back to bed after I left for my run. 

I stop at the corner in front of a coffee shop. Smiling at my thoughts, I go inside and grab two coffees and two sinfully rich danish. I know Walter has barely tasted the food I periodically put in front of him to keep him going. I was so worried and checked on him so often, Scully began asking if I he was ill or something. Luckily, my reply that I saw a long-haired man near his office got her to help me keep an eye on him.

I walk up the stairs to the building and use the keys Walter gave me to open the doors. I put the paper bags on the table near the door and absorb the sight before me.

Walter is lying on the couch, asleep. The Sunday paper is lying loosely in his hands, draping his legs. His glasses are perched precariously on his nose. He must have shifted them in his sleep.

I grab for the glasses before they can tumble to the floor. This is enough to wake him. A second later he is smiling gently up at me. "Hi."

"Hi. I bought some coffee and pastries, if you're hungry."

"Still trying to look after me, huh?" He shifts so he is now sitting. "Let me see what you have."

After handing him one of the cups, I open a bag to reveal two chocolate covered danish, huge and glistening with the sugar coating.

"You're plotting to kill me with sugar, aren't you?" But he grins and grabs for one.

I perch myself on the coffee table as we eat our snack in silence. We choose instead to speak with smiling glances and sticky hands that trail over arms and faces, just to connect with each other. Once I finish my danish, I get up to take a shower and leave Walter some time to rest.

But I'm grabbed by the shirt before I move two steps. An affectionate growl rumbles in my ear. "Where are you going?"

"To get cleaned up. I'm all sweaty, and you probably could use some more sleep. . ."

"A shower sounds good." I didn't know how much I've missed that small, mischievous twinkle in his eyes until now, when it suddenly reappears. He pulls me with him toward the bathroom.

It doesn't take my genius mind to figure out what he's planning, but still I hesitate. "But you've worked to hard this week, you should. . ."

He cuts me off with a gentle kiss. "Hush. This week hasn't only been hard on me. You had to sit and wait for me to get this ball rolling. I know that's hard for you. And I've spent so much time helping *Agent* Mulder that I've neglected your other needs."

"But Walter--"

"Shh. No arguments about my health. I caught up on some sleep while you were out. Now I need to catch up on some love." His strong arms wrap around my shoulders as his face nuzzles the sensitive part of my neck.

His warm lips on my neck shoot sparks of electricity through me, making me forget the argument. My knees weaken as his mouth moves up toward my face, leaving a trail of shivers behind it. I have to lean against his muscular frame to stay upright.

His chuckle warms me even more as he locks one arm around my waist. "Having problems, Agent Mulder?"

"Not anymore, thanks to you." Thanks to you I have my life, my career, and someone to share it all with. My answering smile is lost on him as he moves his gaze his hands, which are pulling my t-shirt up and off of me.

We help each other remove the rest of our clothes, using it as an excuse caress the parts we uncover. Walter turns on the shower and I follow him in.

Hot water sensitizes my skin as he grabs the soap and lathers a washcloth. Strong strokes of his hand covered with the cloth soothe me as they wipe away the sweat I gathered on my run. The comforting yet arousing movements overwhelm me, forcing my eyes shut. I can feel his soul reaching out to mine in every move he makes. He gives so freely even though I'm not ready to give back completely. Soon, it will be easier. Soon, I may be able to wake up without expecting him to have left me while I sleep.

But for now I accept all he gives and give him what I can. I grab the bar of soap off the wall holder and lather my hands. My hands glide over his strong muscles defining his chest and his arms. Soft lips greet mine as our mouths melt together. I pull him closer and hear the washcloth drop at our feet.

Our erections rub together as we cling tightly to each other. My hips move involuntarily to the rhythm of our kisses. Only when I shift my weight and begin to lose my footing.

"Time to get out of here." Walter reaches behind me to turn off the water. I reach outside the shower curtain to reach two towels. We quickly dry each other off, our strokes interspersed with kisses. We walk into the bedroom hand in hand.

I lay down on the bed and pull Walter down on top of me. His weight is as comforting as it is arousing. I reach to touch his hardness, stroking. His moan quickens my heart and my breathing. But before I can do anything more, he flips us over so my startled face is staring down at his.

"Walter, what--?"

"I want you to do something for me."

"Anything."

"I want you to fuck me."

"But--" The last time I did that I still was trapped by my own mind. I hurt him, badly. After he rescued me from myself, I vowed to never cause him that kind of pain again. Sex between us was always good after that, but he always had the reins.

"Mulder, I trust you." His eyes reflect this trust to me. How can I refuse him after he's given me so much?

"O--Ok." I grab for the lubricant on the bedside table with a shaking hand. His hawk-like eyes see my nervousness. He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips. The rest of my body begins to tremble for a different reason as he pulls my index finger into his mouth and begins to lave it with his tongue. The hand not holding my wrist snakes down my chest to the hardness below. His fingers stroke over the head and down its length. My groan bounces off the walls and back to my ears with startling volume.

Walter lets go of my hand and reaches for the bottle of lubricant I dropped on the bed. Catching my eyes with his gaze, he turns my hand over so he can pour some of the slippery liquid onto my palm. He smiles at the question in my face and shifts upward on the bed so I can reach his puckered entrance more easily.

I warm the lubricant in my hand and enter him with a coated finger. I watch in amazement as he shouts in pleasure when I hit his prostate. The sound shoots straight to my cock, making it pulse with our breathing. I no longer hesitate. I want this as much as he does. A second finger enters him, stretching him gently for what is to come.

But Walter has had enough of the foreplay. "Do it, Fox."

The name I have hated for most of the years of my life has in one second become the most arousing endearment I have ever heard. That husky whisper wipes clean the pain I always have associated with those three letters. Another chunk has just fallen off of the melting wall of ice I have used to protect my heart until Walter. . .

The wild light in his chocolate gaze spurs me on. I quickly coat my erection with the lubricant and position myself to enter him. As my cock slowly enters his tight channel, the overwhelming sensations force my eyes close. I feel my arms being grabbed as Walter's body arches up to mine, pulling me deeper. I pause when I am completely imbedded in him, savoring tight caress of his body around my cock.

Walter impatiently grabs my hips as his legs wrap around me. I respond to his silent request by starting a slow rhythm. My hand grips his erection, already leaking fluid. I smooth my fist up and down his hardness in rhythm with my thrusts. His head thrashes on the pillows and our moans echo one another as I speed up.

The double stimulation becomes too much for my lover. His body arches as semen shoots out of his cock and his sphincter muscle contracts. The unexpected pull on my erection spills me over the edge and I come with one last thrust. My weight collapses comfortably into his arms.

I pull out of him with some effort. A pleasant weariness makes my movements slow. I cuddle against his chest with a contented sigh.

"I love you." His words float to my ears, this time like every time since the first. I kiss his lips in response.

I'm not ready to say the words to him yet, but maybe, just maybe, I can hear my heart repeating that small sentence.

\------------------------------------------------

 

* * *

 

TITLE: Devotion   
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk  
EMAIL ADDRESS:   
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, just tell me  
SPOILER WARNING: season 6  
RATING: NC-17  
CLASSIFICATION: V, A, R   
Content warning: Slash, Mulder/Skinner  
SUMMARY: Mulder isn't the only one with problems. Sequel to Conviction and On a Sunday Afternoon  
DISCLAIMER: You think I own them? Yeah right, I can't even afford one of Mulder's ties. CC owns them all.  
Series note: For any who haven't gotten it, this is book two of Karma. The first book is my story Conviction. The interlude (On a Sunday afternoon) goes between the two books.

* * *

Chapter I: Friendship Versus Love

"When are you going to do it, Fox?" Walter glares at me angrily over our dinners. "It's been six months. How much longer do you intend to keep her in the dark?"

"Does she really need to know?" I know I'm whining, but this is one conversation I don't want to have, either with Walter, or the woman in question, Dana Scully. "I've been able to keep it secret this long without a problem."

Walter snorts, unimpressed. "It's causing a problem between you two. I can see it when you try to talk in my office. Your 'togetherness' is missing." He picks up our half-filled plates. Neither of us have much appetite once we start arguing.

"She's just mad about. . ." I don't dare bring up *her* name. Scully must have communicated her concerns about Diana to Walter right before the Consortium's cover blew. And how do you explain that a kiss can be out of habit? It took me days of arguing before Walter even began to understand. Damn Frohike and his bugs, anyway!

Now, months later, I still can't say Diana's name without him seeing red. He doesn't trust her, and he doesn't trust me when I'm near her, physically or in thought. Both he and Scully insists that she led me on the whole time. There are days that I wonder if he and Scully are right, that I let her stomp all over me just because she once said that she loved me.

"Give it up, Fox! This isn't about your ex-wife! This is about us, and your relationship with your partner. She's your best friend, for God's sake!" Why is this making him so angry? What I tell Scully shouldn't have any affect on what Walter thinks of me, right?

I watch helplessly as he starts pacing. I can't tell what's going on in that steel trap of his, but I'm afraid to interrupt him to ask. I'm afraid of what his answer might be.

"Look, I have to get some air." He looks toward me and sees my fear. "I'll be back, I promise. I just need to calm down before I can discuss this."

I watch him go out the door, silently praying that I didn't screw up another relationship.

\------------------------------------------------

I get up and wander around Walter's apartment, thinking. Why won't I tell Scully that Walter and I are involved?

I'm definitely afraid of what Scully will say. She's my best friend and all, but will her feelings for me override her religious beliefs? Catholicism is rather strict on its beliefs about alternate lifestyles. I really don't her to look at me in disgust because I'm bisexual. Skepticism I can take, but I don't think I could cope if Scully thought I was unfit to be in her company.

And as if that wasn't enough. . .I'm scared of Walter. He's been so kind to me these last few months. So is now when things are going to start going bad? They always do, at least around me. Is this where I royally screw up, by not telling Scully about us? Will he think I'm not good enough, not strong enough for him?

I don't even know if I'm strong enough for him. He wants love, commitment, the whole ball of wax. Can I really give that to him? He even tells me he loves me, and has from almost the beginning. I don't doubt his feelings. The man is and has always been the most sincere person I've known. But does he love me, or what he thinks he sees? Hell, I've made that mistake twice myself with Phoebe and Diana. Can I be the man he loves and give him the love he so dearly deserves? I wish I knew, so I could do it or stop leading him on.

Maybe I should just leave. It would probably be easier on him if I just went. He wouldn't have to fight with me, or try to make me good enough for him. And I wouldn't have to see him look at me with contempt when I disappoint him. I grab my jacket, getting ready to run. . .

"Where do you think you're going? We have to talk." I whirl around to face Walter, looking slightly less angry. 

"Well, I, uh. . ." Damn, I don't even have the guts to tell him I'm saving him some aggravation. His face calms even further. He puts a hand on my arm, caressing it lightly.

"I don't want you to leave. I love you. So you better be leaving because *you* want to." Damn his mindreading. He knows me too well. 

"But. . ."

He looks exasperated. "Fox, we can work this thing with Scully out. I just think the secret has gone on too long. It's not the end of the world." He searches my face. "It's more than that, isn't it?"

I nod. 

"Tell me." He pulls me down on the couch to sit next to him.

I stare at my hands instead of looking at him. "I--I don't want to disappoint you. I know I'm not good enough for you. . ."

Walter shoots to his feet. "Stop right there!" I can see his face turning red. He takes off his glasses and smooths his hands over his face. After a few minutes of silence, he turns to face me.

"Forgive me, Fox. I know it's hard for you. But you have to stop living under your father's standards. You are a good man. There is no reason to think you aren't good enough for me." He kneels in front of me and clasps my hands in his protectively.

"Walter. . ." How can't he see that I will fail him? I always fail. "I want to give you what you want, what you need. . ."

"There is only one thing I need from you, but I'm not sure you're ready to give it to me. I'm not going to rush you." He kisses my hands lightly and gets up. "When you figure it out, let me know the answer, ok Fox?" He smiles gently at my puzzlement. I am even more puzzled at his next statement. "Ah hell, maybe that's why you can't tell Scully."

"What? Walter, what do I need to give you?"

"I can't ask it of you, Fox. If you can't give it freely, it's worth nothing." His eyes are compassionate. "I'm probably not the one you need to talk to about this. Find a way to talk to her, Fox. I know its hard for you, but you need her by your side. As a partner and as a friend." He waves at the door when I don't say anything after a minute. "Go on. I'll be here when you get back."

"What if I can't?" It's hard to risk a friendship like the one I have with Scully.

"We'll deal with that if and when it happens."

I sigh and go to grab my coat. I don't know about this.

\--------------------------------------------------------

I drive to Georgetown mechanically. My mind whirls with possible scenarios. She could kick me out, refuse to work with me. She could laugh in my face. 

That scares me. That really scares me.

I knock on her door hesitantly. It swings open a second later and her pretty face smiles up at me. "Hi, Mulder. What's up?"

"I uh, need to talk to you about something." I lean against the doorjamb as my knees start to shake.

"Sure, come in. What's wrong?" We sit down on her couch.

"I need uh, some relationship advice."

"Is your girlfriend giving you a problem, Mulder?"

"How did you know I was seeing someone?"

She smiles at the shock on my face. "I know you've been seeing someone for a couple of months. You stopped working late. I've been waiting for you to tell me about it. I was getting worried when you tried to hide it, but I figured it was none of my business."

"Uh, what would you say if I told you I didn't have a girlfriend?" My hands are shaking noticeably now.

"Is that it? Is that why you tried to hide. . ." She grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. "Mulder, for God's sake, I'm your partner. I don't judge you, or anyone else by who you date. I just worry when they take advantage of you, like Fowley did."

Relief collapses upon me. Then the guilt kicks in. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I let it affect us. . ."

She pats my arm. "It's understandable, Mulder. So what's your problem with this guy?"

"Well, uh, Walter says--" Shit. Maybe she didn't notice.

Luck is against me this time. "Walter--Skinner?" She laughs. "That explains a lot."

"Huh?" Her reactions aren't what I expected. I have to take time to process all this.

"He tried to talk to me a few times when you weren't around. He got all tongue-tied though. It was an interesting sight." I raise my eyebrow and echo her famous look of disbelief.

"I'm serious. Ask him about it sometime. So, you came here to get advice from me about Skinner? Is there something wrong between you two?"

"It's me, Scully. I'm not sure I'm giving him what he wants. I'm not sure I can." 

"What does he want? Did he tell you?"

"He sort of said that I'd have to figure it out. I don't know why he just didn't tell me." I look beseechingly at Scully for an answer.

"God, I should've killed Diana when I had the chance. Love, Mulder. That's the important part. The rest of a relationship is mostly compromise. I guess he didn't want to force you into saying it if you didn't really mean it."

Love comes with conditions. He must want something more. "But how can I love him the right way?"

"Mulder, what is with you? There is no right way. You love me don't you?"

"Yeah, but that's different. You accept me as I am."

"And he doesn't? I find that hard to believe, considering how he treats the X-files."

As she says that, I begin to doubt myself. Walter hasn't pushed me, like Phoebe or Diana. He hasn't berated me, like my father. What if Scully's right? That all he wants is my love, in whatever form it exists?

Scully echoes my next thought. "So, do you love him?"

I stare at Scully's wall, thinking of the last couple months. The joy and wonder Walter has given me, the freedom to be myself, to let go of my past. All of it comes flooding into me, filling me with a warmth that is familiar. I was just afraid to believe in it. "Yeah, I do."

Scully's eyes twinkle at me when I turn my head. "So tell me about it."

For the next couple hours I do just that and more. I tell her all the secrets I've hidden from her. She laughs and cries with me as we relive the past, together this time. I find that I've missed Scully while I was hiding from her. 

I guess Walter knew that.

\-------------------------------------------

It's almost one a.m. when I get back to Walter's apartment. It's a good thing tomorrow is Saturday because I'm too giddy to get any sleep. Too much relief in one day will do that. Not that I'm complaining.

The sight that greets me as I open the apartment door makes me smile and shake my head. Walter is asleep on the couch. The TV flickers in the darkness. I guess I'm not the only one who has trouble sleeping alone now. I hate to wake him, but I have to tell him. This can't wait until morning.

I kneel by his head and whisper in his ear. "I love you."

I watch eagerly as his eyes open and he turns his head toward me. His voice is strained from sleep but it still sweeps over me as if it were the finest music. "Fox, did you say something?"

"I love you." 

I am amazed at the transformation on his face. I almost can see him glowing as tears well up in his eyes. I gently wipe them away as they fall to one cheek. I'm shocked to find his hand reaching toward me to return the favor.

We stay like that for minutes, hours, who knows, just sharing love through our eyes and the simplest of caresses. Walter breaks the silence with one word. "Scully?"

"It's taken care of. She understands and approves. She said to tell you that."

"High praise, coming from her." I smile at him, but don't comment. I don't really want to discuss Scully right now. I pull on his arm instead.

"Come on, Walter. You'll sleep better in bed."

He complies as a laugh leaves him. "Why do I think sleep is not really what you have in mind?"

I give him my best innocent look, then spoil it by chuckling. "I just figured out I love you. I want to show you as well as tell you. You can sleep tomorrow."

He stops me at the bedroom door for a soul-searching kiss. "I don't care if I never sleep again."

I pull him into the bedroom, smiling, my soul singing with glee. I playfully peel off his clothes, tickling and caressing his body as I do so. Shouts of laughter are intermixed with gasps of pleasure. Music to my ears and my heart. I stare at his naked glory as I whisk away his briefs. Mine, he is mine. As I am his. I wrap my arms around those broad shoulders and nuzzle his neck, more content than I've ever been before. I can't be more content.

Walter proves me wrong. "I love you, Fox." 

Now I'm in heaven.

I meet his eyes and feel their pull more strongly than I ever have before. I let his love wash over me as he removes my clothes. Sparks fly as our lips meet. Our hands move to transmit the electricity to other parts. Groans echo through the room, but I don't know if they are his or mine. It doesn't matter.

I lay back on the bed, pulling Walter on top of me. "I want you inside me. Now."

"You wanted to show me. You do it." He rolls us over and kisses me deeply. I break away and grab the lube from his night table. His groans excite me as I coat his erection, paying particular attention to the sensitive spots.

When I'm finished, he pulls me back to his mouth. As his tongue plays with mine, I feel a finger entering me. Oh, my love. You're always taking care of me. I feel another finger join the first, stretching me gently.

Now it's my turn to care for you. I motion him into a half-sitting position on the bed. The I slowly lower myself onto his cock. I watch his face contort with pleasure, amazed. I am the cause of his pleasure. It finally sinks in. The realization makes my groan of pleasure that much stronger.

Walter grabs my shoulders and urges me on. Our rhythm is quick, sharp. We've waited so long for this day. I need to feel that sense of oneness in body, as I feel it in my heart. I know he needs it too.

We climax together, our shouts are simultaneous. I collapse on him, exhausted finally. The emotional rollercoaster I was on today has finally taken its toll.

I barely feel Walter pull out of me and shift us to spoon together. Sleep is claiming me quickly. But I hear his whispered "I love you."

And for the first time, my whisper echoes his.

*********************************************************

Chapter II: Where Does Loyalty End?

What is he going to think? Have I destroyed everything I love in order to save myself?

I hold my head in agony. I can't bear to look at the corpse in front of me, so I cover my eyes and sit down on a wooden box in this desolate warehouse. Yeah, I shot her in self-defense. But how do I tell him that?

I turn my head and see Scully approaching me with the question in her eyes. "Sir, what happened here?"

I take a deep breath. I can feel myself losing all the control I built up over the years. "Agent Fowley demanded information that I had hidden. An X-file. When I didn't comply, she pulled out her weapon. I defended myself, killing her, unfortunately."

Scully gazes at me sympathetically. We both know this is going to be rough on Mulder. "Which X-file?"

"The one on Duane Barry. I made a copy of it right after you were abducted. I had a feeling it might be important. If what Barry said was true. One of the Spenders must have found out I had it."

"They must have been doing other experiments on him. Other than the ones done on me and the other women." Scully takes a hold of my arm. I turn toward her and see movement in the distance. Mulder is coming, running frantically toward us.

And he is far from sympathetic to my fears. He is a hurricane. The pounding I get is fierce. "You killed her! You fucking killed her! Was the jealousy too much for you?" He is out of breath just saying that. Tears run down his face, unheeded and probably unknown by him.

My gun is on the ground. I cannot deny the fact that I did it, nor do I want to. But how do I explain it was self-defense when he obviously has had trouble separating himself from the betrayer?

But before I can even try, he has me knocked to the ground. His eyes are blazing above me, his face full of rage. "She was my wife! How could you do such a thing?" His hands are balled into fists. I see them coming towards me.

They stop before impact. Scully is holding his fists inches away from my face, struggling to keep him still. "Mulder, you don't want to do this. Skinner. . .Fowley was going to kill him."

My lover backs away, but the rage is still in his eyes. What can I say to get through to him? I get up slowly, wincing at the wounds on my back from landing on the concrete floor. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I didn't want to kill her." It sounds lame to my ears, but it's the best I can do right now.

"Yeah, right." Mulder walks away stiffly. I look at Scully, pleading. What do I do here? Her eyes are empathetic, but she just shrugs. We have to let him figure this out for himself, as hard as it is. I wipe the tears from my eyes as we make our way from the scene and report to the police, who have just arrived.

\---------------------------------------------

When I get home, Mulder is nowhere to be found. He hasn't officially moved into my Crystal City apartment, but he spends much more time here than his own apartment. So I am somewhat surprised that he isn't here. And dismayed.

After taking off my coat, I grab the whiskey bottle in my top cupboard and pour myself a shot. One gulp, and I pour myself another. Before I can swallow that too, the front door opens.

Mulder stares at me quietly when he enters the kitchen. His face is calmer than it was a few hours ago. He takes the shotglass from my hand. "Tell me what happened, Walter. I think I'm ready to listen now."

True to his word, Mulder listens without interrupting. I describe the note Fowley sent me, the meeting, the threat, and the shot that had me standing next to her corpse. I pace the kitchen, afraid to meet his eyes as I relate the events. My voice shakes near the end. When I look up at Mulder, I'm not surprised by the tears that appear in his eyes, but his moan of agony scares me.

"Oh, what have I done!" He falls against the counter for support as his hands go to cover his face. He slides down to the floor, still covering his face with his hands.

Terrified, I kneel beside him. "Fox? What's wrong?"

"I--I reported the incident to the Director. I know I shouldn't have without listening to you, but I was furious! I, I wanted to hurt you." His eyes shyly look toward me.

Great! At the very least, I will be suspended for the period of the investigation. I could get fired for this, maybe arrested if the evidence isn't in my favor. I know my face is turning red. I'm ready to lash out at Mulder, but I stop myself before I repeat his mistake. I remind myself that I love this man.

I take a few deep breaths and re-establish some calm. "What did you tell him?"

"I--told him about us. I'm sorry, Walter. I didn't think." He gets up to grab his coat, presumably to leave me, to run. 

The patience I have tried to maintain every time we fight finally snaps. "Will you for once deal with me head on?! I'm sick of you trying to run every time something goes wrong!"

"But--I might have. . .gotten you fired." The last part is said in a whisper. His coat hangs on his outstretched arm, forgotten.

I notice and take it from him and hang it back up. "All the more reason that I want you to stay and help me."

I take a deep breath and grab him by the shoulders. "Yes, I'm furious at you. Right now part of me would like you to leave and never come back. But my heart won't let me make you go. I love you, and that comes without conditions. But right now I don't like your behavior very much." 

I sigh and drag him to the couch. "I'm going to call Scully. I think we need someone relatively impartial here. Maybe she can help us figure out what to do."

Mulder looks a little less green as I say this. I hate to tell him that I don't think even our Doctor Miracle Worker can cure this situation. So I don't.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Scully isn't as kind to Mulder as I was. "You did what? What the hell were you thinking, Mulder?" Her small but mighty hands are balled into fists as she paces my livingroom.

"I wasn't thinking, Scully. I was reacting. That's why we're in this mess." Mulder is spawled on the couch, but he looks anything but tranquil. He swallowed about a hundred sunflower seeds as we sat here nervously waiting for Scully to arrive. Now he's ripping up the newspaper. Reminiscient of Eugene Tooms, but I don't want to bring that up right now.

"It's one hell of a mess! Especially considering Fowley's weapon disappeared when we went to talk to the police."

And I thought things couldn't get any worse. My sigh echoes through the silent room. "Any ideas what we do now?"

Just then, the phone rings. The Director wants to see me as soon as possible. No, this can't wait until the morning.

I hang up the phone and turn to see two pairs of worried eyes staring back at me. "I have to see the Director tonight."

"I'll--" Mulder gets up from the couch to grab me.

"No, Fox. Stay here. If you want to make another statement to the Director, I'll relay your request. But I don't think we should risk making the situation any worse tonight." He nods his head at my implied question. I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him.

"I love you. We'll make it through this somehow." Mulder's words surprise me. Not so much in what is said, but in the conviction he puts behind them. This isn't my battle. It's ours.

\---------------------------------------------------------

It's almost midnight by the time I get back to the apartment. I'm lucky I made it back here, according to the Director. The only reason I wasn't arrested was Scully's testimony to the DC police that Fowley was going to kill me. We both will have to make our statements tomorrow morning to the Bureau's investigative committee. As will Mulder, now that he requested to make a second statement. 

The Director was honest with me. My career is in shambles. I will probably be let go quietly if I'm found innocent. If I'm guilty, well we all know the outcome of that. He swears it isn't because of my sexual preference, or even the fact that I'm in a relationship with one of my subordinates. Two accusations of murder on one of their higher-ups, even unfounded, is more than he thinks the Bureau can handle. I don't know if I believe him or not. Right now, I'm too tired to care.

Mulder meets me at the door. I don't know what happens, but he suddenly grabs me by the shoulder to hold me up before I pitch head-first to the floor. "Watch the rug." Oh yeah, there's a rug n front of the door, to wipe your shoes on. Fatigue has hit me even harder than I thought, I suppose.

Mulder walks me into the bedroom slowly. I stand placidly as he removes my coat and suitjackrt. But when he beckons me to sitr on the bed and kneels down, I protest. "Where is Scully? Don't we have to--"

He cuts me off as he unties my shoes. "The only thing you have to do right now is sleep. Scully went home. We went over a plan of attack while you were gone. You can see it in the morning."

"I won't be your superior in the morning." Ah, damn. He didn't need to hear this now. But it just slipped out.

"What? What did the Director say?" He stops removing my pants and rocks back on his heels.

"That the Bureau will let me go either way." I cut Mulder off before his words echo his crestfallen face. "Given the evidence, Fox, this investigation would have gone on even without your meeting with the Director. Don't beat yourself up over it."

I look him straight in the eye before I say the rest. "I need you with me. I don't know if I can go down this path alone."

"You won't be alone. I promise." He shooes me under the covers. I watch him undress and join me.

I fall asleep wrapped in his arms, with his voice in my ear. "No matter what happens, I'll never leave you again, Walter."

*********************************************************

Chapter III: I Won't Let You Fall

I open my eyes to sunlight streaming through the curtains. I almost smile at the thought of a beautiful day. But then the memories of yesterday come flooding back. 

Look at what I've done. Why am I still here?

I hurt him. I destroyed his career. So why am I still waking up curled in his arms? I tense up inside those arms, not sure of what I'm supposed to feel right now. Apprehension of the coming day? Relief that I'm still here?

It's baffling. He's baffling. He didn't make me leave, throw me out of his life after I ran to the Director with accusations of murder. He had every right to. Hell, I wanted to die after I heard his side of the story. Walter dismissed my actions as impulse. He just asked me to stay to correct the problem.

Not that there's much correcting to do, according to Walter. The Director has decided that two accusations of murder, justified or not, are too many for an Assistant Director. PR is everything with them. I'd be gone a long time ago if it worked that way for field agents.

So I guess my job is to make sure Walter doesn't get arrested on top of this. He did nothing wrong. He defended himself from my ex-wife who was going to kill him to get some information about an X-file. God, Diana was a bigger bitch than I thought. It's strange, but I'm glad she's the corpse instead of Walter. Given the way I acted when she first reappeared, it's very strange indeed. But real love changes a lot.

The object of my thoughts open his eyes as the alarm rings. His chocolate eyes are trying to focus, trying to return to the real world. Oh, my love, you don't want to be here right now.

When he finally focuses on me, he moves to kiss my cheek. My thoughts are too self-demeaning to respond positively to his affection. My flinch away from him makes him sigh. "Fox, stop it. I'm not going to change my mind about us."

I realize I'm not doing anybody any good by beating myself up. I kiss him to tell him I'm sorry for my thoughts, my worries. We hold each other close for a few more minutes, trying to keep reality out just a little longer.

But then it's time to get ready for what could be the worst day of my life.

\---------------------------------------------------

I'm shaking as I get out of bed. I don't know if I can do this. How do you defend someone you accused the day before? How can I hold myself together when I know Walter could very well fall apart? I give Walter space, grab some stuff out of the bathroom after a quick shower and go down to the kitchen to get ready. I need some time to myself.

Even with my rampant thoughts, I'm pretty calm by the time Scully comes over. I've convinced myself I need to be strong for him, as he has been for me. This situation is not easy for me, but it's going to be worse for him. I need to be there for him.

Scully and I discuss with Walter what we are going to tell the investigative committee. The facts, my misinterpretation of what I saw. We think it'll be enough to keep Walter out of jail, even with Diana's weapon missing. This whole situation makes me want to pray. I keep a hand on Walter as we talk instead.

We drive to the Bureau in Scully's car, silently. But when we get to the Hoover Building, Scully and I start organizing to keep Walter as safe as possible. We go into the building as a united front. Walter walks in between us. Scully and I keep the oglers and the jeerers away with looks alone. There is an advantage to being Mr. and Mrs. Spooky. The other agents are scared of us.

When we get to Walter's office, the Director is there. The whole situation must have started to sink in for Walter at the sight of the Director in his chair, because he stumbles. I grab his arm, hold him steady. His weight settles against me slightly. I accept it gladly. He wants me here, he needs me. 

The Director gestures for us to sit down. When we are settled, he settles back in the chair for a second, then drops the bomb. "Walter, your career with the Bureau has been terminated as of this morning."

My usually stoic lover starts shaking at this point. "There's nothing I can do?" His voice is strained. 

The Director's face is sympathetic. "I'm sorry, Walter. The news reporters have gotten ahold of the information. It's a mess. And they found out your. . .preferences, which makes the whole situation even worse. We can't afford the bad press. You know that. Luckily, I have been able to keep them from finding out who your significant other is." He stares pointedly at me.

Walter gains some relief from this, as do I. "So Mulder. . ."

"Can continue on the X-files, yes. I'll have to decide if the new person can handle the X-files before I put them under him or her. I know Kersch was trying to pull Mulder under." God, I didn't know the Director was so aware, or so sympathetic to my cause.

"So now what?" I don't think the worst of this is over.

And of course, I'm right. "Now our investigative committee and the local police will get statements from each of you. I can't tell you how this will turn out. Agent Fowley's weapon still hasn't been found. I will do all I can to support your character, Walter, if it comes to that." The Director gets up from behind the desk. "I'll leave you all alone now. Kim has told me she will clean out the office for you if you want while you're inside with the committee. She's been in tears since she has come in. I don't think she'll be of much use elsewhere today."

He lays a hand on Walter's shoulder. "Good luck. I'm glad to see you have two of our best agents supporting you. When this is over, if you need anything. . ."

"Yes, Sir." Walter's reply comes out in a whisper. The day's only begun and already he is exhausted. I can see it in his eyes. I look at Scully, who grabs my hand. We're all together. Right now, that's the best we can do.

\-------------------------------------------------

Walter goes in and gives his statement first. I sit outside the conference room on the bench, trembling. "What if they don't believe us, Scully? What if they arrest him? I don't know if I can deal with that."

She's pacing in front of me, just as nervous as I am. But she can think more clearly under pressure. "You'll have to, Mulder. If he ends up in jail, you'll have to be there to support him. But let's just worry about getting through this, ok? He's not condemned yet."

"No, just without a job, his career." I sigh. At least I've stopped blaming myself so much. I'm worried about him. I wish I could be inside with him while he makes his statement. But he's a strong man, he'll make it through. I'll have to settle for picking up the pieces afterward.

Walter comes out of the conference room looking harried. Scully and I both grab his arms and guide him to the bench. I crouch down in front of him once he's settled. "How did it go?"

Walter closes his eyes and leans his head against my shoulder. His words are muffled because they are said into my chest. "It's hard to say. They kept going back to procedure. Did I follow procedure? What is procedure worth when dealing with the Consortium? But I couldn't tell them that."

Just then, one of the officiators calls Scully in. She grabs our hands briefly, then walks into the room. I know she'll do the best she can for us.

While she is gone, I take a chance and sit down next to Walter. I put my arm around him as he leans into me. We sit quietly like this until Scully comes out, just absorbing each other.

Then it's my turn. As the officiator calls my name, I look toward Scully, who is standing next to Walter's seated figure. She nods a yes, of course she'll take care of him for me.

I walk into the conference room and scan the six faces that are examining me. Not an expecially cheerful crowd, but what did I expect? I seat myself in the chair facing the assembled group.

Over the next hour and a half, I find myself repeating the same thing constantly. No, I didn't see the actual confrontation between Walter and Diana. No, I no longer think he murdered her in cold blood. That was my shock and anger talking.

My relationship with Walter did come up occasionally, but I think the Director was actually right about this. That wasn't the center of their attention. They just wanted to see if Walter was using our relationship to manipulate me. I couldn't tell them that he did from the start, to make me a better person. These people wouldn't get it. But they did seem convinced that he hadn't manipulated me into lying for him. At least not this time. May they never find out about the time I actually did lie for him.

By the time I leave the room, I know why Walter was so tired earlier. Those questions are exhausting. The group still has to question the local police officers, but I go out of there a bit more confident that we'll be ok.

Since all three of us are done for now, we walk back to Walter's office to see how Kim is doing wit the clean-up. We don't talk much, just about some of the things said in the conference room and how we feel. We can't talk about the future, not even tomorrow. That has to wait until we know what tomorrow will hold.

Kim is packing a box with the last of Walter's personal things when we enter the office. She smiles slightly at us, then turns her head. I can see her body shake with her silent sobs. I I'd like to join her, but right now I'm needed elsewhere.

I pull Walter down onto the small couch in one corner of the room. I lean back, pulling him with me. "Rest." As I feel him comply, I close my eyes to follow my own advice. I know Scully can handle any intrusions.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Scully shakes me awake. I look at my watch. I've slept two hours. I look down to see Walter just starting to wake, then glance up at Scully.

"They want us to come back to the conference room." I nod and pull myself upright with the help of Walter's hand.

When we walk in, the Director is standing on one side of the room. He smiles slightly as we pass him. Two more chairs now face the assembled committee. Once we are seated, the Director begins to speak.

"Walter Skinner, I am glad to say that the Federal Bureau of Investigation has officially dropped their accusation of third-degree murder against you. Agent Fowley's gun has been found, with a bullet discharged. All testimony heard has collaborated your story, that you killed her in self-defense."

The assembled committee graces us with smiles. Like we're supposed to smile back or something. Yeah, right. But our sighs of relief echo through the silent room. Walter looks up at the Director questioningly. "I don't remember her gun firing."

The Director nods his head. "Our guess is that she fired at the same time you did and missed rather badly. There was a bullet hole in the wall behind where you were standing, from her gun."

I grab Walter's hand and squeeze it slightly. The circumstances don't matter now. Only that these people believe them. I look up at the Director. "Are we free to go?"

"Yes, Agent Mulder. And I've authorized that both you and Agent Scully get a week off starting tomorrow. You both need some time after all this."

He comes up to Walter to shake his hand. "Walter, it's been a pleasure having you here. I'm sorry I can't keep you. If there's anything. . ."

I think Walter has had enough, because his reply is barely civil. "No thank you. I'll be fine." He gets up to leave and brushes past the Director. Scully and I hasten to follow. We only stop at the office to grab the boxes before we head home to Crystal City.

\------------------------------------------------

Scully leaves us at the door to the apartment. "You two need time to absorb this. I'll be around if you need me. Otherwise, I'll see you in a week, Mulder." Her footsteps echo down the hallway as I unlock the apartment door.

Once inside, Walter sinks to the couch, looking like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. "What am I going to do now?"

"I don't know. Take up golf?" I try to throw some humor into the room, but it falls flat. Walter's look is annoyed as his eyes meet mine.

"It's not as if I need the money. They are going to leave me with my pension, and I have some money saved up. But I can't help you now. . ."

I cut him off before he starts acting like me. "Says who? I don't always get my help from official sources, you know that." He looks a little better at my words, but I think it's time to change the subject now.

"Let's worry about that later. Right now, I think you need a reminder of your worth. Let me take care of you." I smile at the suspicious glint in his deep brown eyes as I take his glasses off. I kiss him lightly. "You've been through hell today. You need it."

I kneel down and remove his shoes as I had last night. As I rub his feet, he leans back into the couch with a tired moan. I hate to move him, but I bet he'll be more comfortable where I'm taking him.

I pull him up to stand and guide him to the bathroom. He looks at me bemusedly as I fill the tub with hot water and begin removing his clothes. "Fox--"

"Shh. I want to do this. You need this. Just go with it." Once he is naked, I guide him into the tub and grab a washcloth. He moans softly as I rub the cloth over his arms and chest, not in arousal, but in the release of tension. He closes his eyes as he relaxes finally.

I think he falls asleep while I am washing his legs, but I don't mind. I figured he might. I just finish cleaning his body, then test the tempertaure of the water to make sure it's not getting cold yet. When I'm satisfied, I get up to sit on the closed toilet and watch over him for a little while.

My eyes trace his features lovingly. How did I get so lucky? All my other lovers were inconsiderate fools. But he, like Scully, saw straight through my defenses to the wounded man inside. Not so wounded anymore, thanks to both of them. Tears sting at my eyes, in thanks to whatever god there is for the gift I have been given.

After a few minutes, I get up to test the water again. I don't want Walter getting cold. As I reach into the water, I feel Walter's hand grasp mine. I look up to see his warm eyes regarding me. "I thought you were asleep."

"Only resting my eyes." He smiles at my slightly startled expression. "Come on, let's go rest in bed." I look at my watch. It's only six o'clock, but I feel like we've put in a full twenty-four hours. Sleep will probably do us both some good.

I help him out of the tub and pat him dry. As I do so, he laughs. "What?"

"You risked a perfectly good pair of workpants to bathe me?" I glance down at my suit pants. 

"Water is better than green slime or something." We grin together. We have found our way back from this.

And I want to share my discovery with him. I pull him into the bedroom. "Do you want to sleep, or. . ."

He smiles at the glint in my eyes. "What do you have in mind?"

"Just a little play, to celebrate us."

"I want to celebrate YOU. Your strength, your belief in us. You were so good to me today."

"I love you. You needed me. It's nothing more than that."

Walter grasps my hands gently and kisses them. "It's about time you realized that." 

I puzzle over this for a second, then realize he's referring to all the times he's stuck by me in the past. I always asked him why he stayed. Now I know.

He pulls me down on the bed. "I want you inside me. I want to feel your strength. I need to feel it now."

That is something we've done only once, a few months ago when Diana and Spender first disappeared. Then, it was an affirmation of his trust in me, and I in myself. This time it will take on a whole new facet: ME protecting HIM. And I want to protect him from the whole world right now.

And so I take the initiative. My kisses are gentle, soothing. I want his arousal to be slow, for him to glory in every heartbeat.

My hands both massage and caress his muscles, making him moan in relief and delight. My heart cheers at each sound, and urges me on. I move my kisses down his neck, to his chest. I swirl my tongue over his tiny nubs and silently glory in his gasps of pleasure. And I move lower, over his abdomen, down his thigh, skipping over his straining erection for now. 

I worship his feet for a few minutes, with open-mouth kisses and caresses, then journey back up his other leg. This time I stop at his cock to caress its head. Walter strains up, begging for more. I oblige him and take it in my mouth. How warm and alive he is. I didn't realize how greatful I am for this fact until right now. My revelation spurs me to speed up my movement on his cock until he gasps "Enough!"

"Please Fox. Inside me. Now." I grab the lube from the table and kiss him hungrily. I want this too.

I stretch him open slowly with my fingers, feeling him squirm delightedly at my ministrations. When I'm satisfied I won't hurt him, I move into him slowly and lean over him to watch his face. Oh, what a sight!

He holds onto me as I begin to move, as if I am his base, his rock. It's amazing to me that this relationship can work both ways. That's my last thought before pleasure takes over my mind and body.

Walter comes with only the pressure of my body on his erection. His orgasm causes him to tighten around me, making me come seconds later.

I pull out of him when I catch my breath, and move to get off him, but Walter will have none of it.

"Stay. I need you to protect me a little longer. Tomorrow's soon enough for me to show my own strength."

As if he can be anything but strong. But I stay where I am, giving him my strength to build up his as we sleep.

*********************************************************

Chapter IV: Support is Everything

"Crashhhh"

"Walter! Walter, are you ok?" Mulder comes rushing into the kitchen, a worried look on his face. He must have thought a Consortium member crashed through the window to get me because he's shaking. And his gun is in his hand.

God, I got to stop doing this. I'm upsetting him. And he needs my support right now.

I pick up the contraption for Mulder's fishtank that I was trying to fix before my anger got the better of me. I guess it's junk now. I'll have to buy him a new one.

"Yeah. Sorry, my hand slipped." I don't think he believes my lie, but he's willing to accept it for now.

"Just as long as you're ok." He puts his gun down in the table. His hands gravitate to my shoulders as I sit back down at the table. He starts rubbing at the sore muscles there and along my neck.

"Ouch." I put my head on the table a little too hard. Or maybe not hard enough.

"Be careful, Walter." Mulder kisses the back of my head. "Are you sure you're ok? I know it's been hard for you since the Bureau let you go last week. . ."

If he only knew how hard. But he needs me strong. It's been tough for him dealing with Deputy Director Nivens while they hire a new AD. Mulder just isn't used to following rules to the letter. But at least he has the X-files and Scully.

I sigh, trying to think of a good excuse for my mood lately. Nothing comes to mind, so I use Scully's standby. "I'm fine, Fox."

"If you're sure. . ." I nod. "Then I'm going out for a run. I'm tense from this last case." His hands pat my shoulders lightly, then he moves toward the open doorway.

And what a case it was. A cult in Oklahoma was stealing people's pets for their ritual sacrifices. By the time Mulder and Scully got there, they were starting to steal babies too. Scully was a wreck when they came back two days ago. Mulder didn't look much better. But they stopped the sacrifices. God, I wish I could have helped them.

"Go ahead. Should I start dinner?"

"You're getting domestic, Walter." He smiles. "Yeah, if you want." He moves to the bedroom to change his clothes.

I follow him in silence and watch him leave. I bang my fist against the bedroom door once he's gone, nearly putting my hand through it. The wood is definitely cracked where my hand landed.

I sigh and fall on the bed. What the hell am I going to do with myself now?

\----------------------------------------

This pattern continues for a few more days. Mulder tries to get me to talk, knowing something isn't right. I avoid his questions, and start avoiding him, unconsciously. The sex, even our normal hand-holding, is nonexistant. When I realize what I'm doing, it only makes the situation worse.

It first comes when I see fear in Mulder's eyes. The anger, self-loathing. 

He comes home after being on a case, dirty, disheveled, and obviously tired. And panicked, if I interpret that relatively blank look right.

"Walter, I'm sorry. I got into an accident with your car. Scully and I, we were in a chase. . ." He has trouble continuing. His voice is shaking too much. 

They had been on a local X-file, one right outside Crystal City. By some weird coincidence, both Mulder and Scully's cars were in the shop today. So Mulder asked to use mine.

"How bad is it?" I growl at him. Not at his accident, per se. But at the possibility of him getting hurt. And the frustrations of being without anything to do, of course. I'm beginning to see how this frustration is affecting everything I do now. But he doesn't know that. I haven't told him.

He flinches away from me a bit. "It's, it's not bad. I'll pay for it. I promise." God, I hoped to never see that look on his face again, at least outside an X-file. Fear, for his own safety, well-being. This time directed solely at me. I curse myself in all the languages I've ever learned. 

I turn away from him. I can't comfort him, calm him down. I'm too upset at myself for what I have done. But he thinks my anger is directed at him. "Walter, I, I didn't mean to. . ."

"Leave me alone, Mulder." I shake off the hand that lands on my shoulder. I can't do it. I can't look at him anymore. I can only think of one thing: getting out of here before I hurt him even more. I grab my coat and flee out the door.

And I don't pause until I'm in the park about a half-mile away, where I collapse on one of the benches. What the hell am I doing? What am I doing to him? And for once, I have no clue how to stop it. I've gotten myself caught in a trap of my own making. My face falls into my hands. I'm only vaguely aware of the tears falling through my fingers.

\--------------------------------------------

It may be hours, or minutes later when I hear footsteps approaching me. "Hey, mister, are you ok?" A young voice rings in my ears. 

I raise my head to see a young boy, maybe six years old. He looks a lot like Mulder probably did at that age. At my tearstained face, he startles. "Why are you crying? Grownups don't cry."

"Yes they do. When they are sorry they did something wrong." I sigh. "I don't know how to make it better." I don't know why I'm pouring my heart out to this youngster. Maybe I just need someone to listen.

"My mom always tells me to say I'm sorry when I do something wrong. And to ask for help. Sometimes I don't want to ask for help, even when it's too hard. You know, like my homework or getting something on a high shelf. But Mom says everybody has to ask for help sometimes."

Oh my God. This little boy instinctually shows me the thing I've been trying to avoid. The revelation hits me like a ton of bricks. I've been scared. Of the future, of turning to others. It's not a feeling I'm used to. I'm usually the one being turned to. And in my confusion, I hurt him. Oh, God.

The little boy starts to turn away, towards his family on the other side of the park. "Hey."

"Yeah, mister?" He turns back.

"What's your name? Mine's Walter." I smile, trying to show him I'm not dangerous.

"I'm Billy." William. Like my lover. Could it be an X-file?

"Thanks, Billy. I feel a little better now." The boy smiles, then runs off. I slowly get up from the bench. There's something I have to do now.

The object of my concentration must've followed me, because I meet up with him on my way back. And he still has that terrified look on his face. I have to put a stop to that. Now.

"Fox." He flinches slightly when I grab his arm, but I keep my hold gentle but secure. "Fox, I'm sorry. I didn't. . .I'm having a problem and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I took my frustration out on you." He looks at me warily as we walk back to the apartment, but he doesn't remove my hand from his arm.

\----------------------------------------------------

When I close the door to the apartment, I let him go to look at him. What do I do? What do I say? Ah, hell. I'll just keep this simple. I hold out my hands toward him.

He slowly wraps his long fingers around mine. I don't move, afraid I'll scare him again. When he looks up at me, I take a deep breath and do my best to squeeze the words out. "I'm, I'm afraid, Fox. Of trying to start again, with a new job, a new career. I've been in law enforcement so long. . .But now I have a stain on my record. I don't think I can go back to any lower positions. And I don't want to abandon you and Scully. With the Consortium mostly destroyed, nobody knows what the aliens. . ."

Mulder pulls me down to the couch before I can continue. His grip on my hands tightens. "Walter, hold it a minute. Is this what all this is about? God, I should have told you sooner."

Mulder's famous guilty look twists upon his visage. "What, Fox?" I'm afraid to hope, but knowing Mulder. . .

"I talked to the Director. Pleaded with him, actually, both of us did. We want you as our. ..advisor. Unofficially, of course. The Director agreed. He's supposed to call sometime tonight, after he finds a way to discreetly put you back on the payroll." 

He smiles at me slightly. "Is that ok with you?" I can see the lingering doubt in his eyes.

Which I seek to get rid of right away. I pull my hands away from his and use them to pull him into my arms. "It's more than ok. It's perfect. Thank you." I bury my face in his neck to hide the tears that are stinging my eyes.

But he must have felt them. His arms tighten around my back. "I love you, Walter. Do you really think I'd let you go it alone? I'm not that inconsiderate. Even Scully knows that." I can hear the smile in his voice. Relief makes me tired. When I pull away, I notice something.

He's wearing his running clothes. I gesture at him. "Did you think you'd have to run a marathon to catch up with me?"

He laughs. "I wasn't sure. You left at a full run. But since I didn't, do you mind if. . ."

"Go ahead. I need some time to finish calming down anyway." He hugs me again, then gets up to go for his run.

As I watch him leave, I wonder how I can ever thank him for what he's done for me. He's been so strong and considerate of my problems. I begin to form an idea...

\----------------------------------------

Feedback is welcome at 

 

* * *

 

Title: Karma Interlude: There's Always Calm After the Storm  
Author: Amatia  
Concept By: Ladyhawk  
Email:   
Rating: NC-17  
Category: R,A, slash (M/Sk)  
Archiving: Gossamer. All others, ask Ladyhawk first. :-)  
Author's note: This is for Ladyhawk, without whom I could never have gotten all the way through this. Thanks for all those late nights on IRC helping me to get Mulder and Skinner into that bedroom. (And listening to my problems) You made writing this a joy, and I owe you a million hugs for it. :-)) Remember the bricks. :-))

* * *

"Karma Interlude: There's Always Calm After the Storm"  
by Amatia  
(story concept by Ladyhawk)

The rich smell of spaghetti sauce greeted me as I opened the door to the apartment. "Walter?" I called as I tugged my nylon jacket over my head.

"In the kitchen," he called back. I followed the sound of his voice, and found him sprinkling garlic salt on buttered bread. "It's garlic bread," he explained. "Celebration dinner."

He grinned at me, his eyes twinkling, and I wrapped my arms around him. Hoping it wasn't too forward, I said, "I hope there's more than garlic bread."

Another smile, wider than before. My heart jumped in response. "Why don't you go shower, while I finish dinner?" he suggested. "It'll be a few minutes."

"Okay. Did the Director call?"

Skinner nodded. "I'm now working for the Bureau on the consulting basis, and that news hasn't been released to anyone except the Director, you and Scully, and the one person who's handling my paycheck."

"Which means you stay at home to work?" I asked.

He shrugged. "He said I would be welcome at the building, with a visitor's pass of course, and so long as you and I don't engage in any public displays of affection. So I guess we can't have sex in the stairwell anymore," he said woefully.

I laughed, and hugged him harder, glad that things seemed to be having some semblance of normalcy. "I'll be out of the shower in a few minutes."

"You better," he replied, his voice teasing. "You don't want your food to get cold."

I let go of him, and ambled down the hallway to the bathroom. The shower was soon hot upon my back as I washed away the sweat from my run, and the terrible feeling of dread I'd carried with me throughout it.

The smell of the garlic bread mingled with the steam in the bathroom as I shut off the shower and wrapped myself in a towel. I heard the clink of dishes from the kitchen.

Moments later, I was dressed in sweats, and entering the kitchen. Skinner had a bottle of wine on the counter, uncorked. I kissed his cheek. "Can I help?"

"You can pour the wine. Other than that, I'm almost done."

I poured the wine as he tossed the bread into a towel-lined basket. "I would have just piled it on a plate," I said, observing.

"Fox, your idea of gourmet food is Easy Mac," he chuckled, and put the bread on the table. Despite his air of humor, he seemed a little nervous. I knew I felt nervous. About what, I wasn't sure. These past few weeks had been hell, between Diana's death and Skinner's subsequent unemployment. Even though he had assured me that it wasn't my fault, I was still upset with myself at having been his accuser.

We sat down to plates of ravioli that he had found in the freezer. I looked at him across the table. He froze with a forkful of pasta halfway to his mouth. "What is it?"

"I feel guilty," I confessed.

Skinner set his fork down. "Why?"

"Because I turned you in."

Skinner sighed. "Fox," he began, "I love you. So let's not dwell on the past, okay? I've got a job again, one where I can be with you, and nothing else matters as much to me as being with you. It would have come out sooner or later that I was the one who...don't blame yourself. Please."

I stood up, unable to sit still any longer. "If it wasn't for me, you would still be an Assistant Director."

"One who would have to worry constantly about the papers finding out that he was having a relationship with a male agent who worked in his division," he replied gently.

I looked at him as he leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his broad chest. "I didn't think about it that way, Walter."

A smile touched his lips. "Somehow I knew you hadn't. Now, sit down, and finish eating."

I sat back down, and picked up my fork, not entirely convinced, but feeling more at ease. We ate in silence for awhile. After a few minutes, he took a sip of his wine and looked at me across the table. "Have you been going through what's left after Spender?"

"He made good use of the paper shredder," I replied. "But it looks like some things got filed, things that didn't have much to do with the Syndicate. Nothing was investigated, except things they had to cover up."

"Have anything lined up now that the X-File that wasn't an X-File is over?"

"The one where I crashed your car, you mean?" I couldn't help but ask, cringing internally as I did. I liked to torture myself, that had to be it.

"Sometimes I think you like to feel guilty," he replied. "I didn't mention the car because I didn't want you to immediately start sweating over it. I'm not upset about it. It wasn't a big accident, and the insurance covers it. Now, do you have anything lined up to work on next?"

"There's a report of murders occurring at MUFON meetings in Janesville, Wisconsin, but it sounds suspicious," I replied.

"Fox, you only investigate things that sound suspicious," he said, grinning, and I found myself laughing as more of the tension ebbed away.

I stood up, and started to clear the dishes. As I ran water into the sink, Skinner brought over more dishes, and wrapped his arms around my waist. I smiled at him over my shoulder as I squirted Palmolive into the sink. "You really need a dishwasher," I informed him.

"I have you," he said in reply, then laughed. His hands found mine in the warm soapy water, and I leaned back to kiss him for a moment before turning my attention back to the dishes.

"Stop that," I scolded as he continued to slide his fingers through mine. "If you want me to wash these, go wait in the living room."

He pressed harder against me. "Leave the dishes," he murmured against my neck. "Let's go watch TV."

A shiver went through me as he slid his wet hands up underneath my t-shirt. "Walter..."

"It's been a week, Fox. You can't tell me you don't want it."

I turned in his arms so that I was facing him. "I could tell you that, but it wouldn't be true."

His reply was to catch my lips with his in a warm deep kiss. Then he dried our hands with the towel, and led me out into the living room. We settled into a comfortable embrace, and I flipped on the basketball game. He bit my neck lightly in protest. "I want to see the score," I explained, tipping my head to give him better access.

Skinner sighed against my shoulder. "Nobody but you," he muttered, "wants to see the score of the game when they could be making out."

I chuckled. "And you wouldn't put up with it from anybody but me." Satisfied with the score, I shut off the television. I turned so that I could catch his gaze. "You know, I'm nervous."

"Whatever for?"

"I don't know...I just am."

He maneuvered us so that I was laying down on the couch, and he was on his side next to me, leaning over. "You don't have any reason to be nervous, or to fear me, Fox. I haven't changed my mind about how I feel about you."

I reached up and caressed the back of his head before pulling him down. "I love you," I whispered against his lips before kissing him. His mouth was hot and willing, and I arched up into his embrace, unable to control my feelings despite my lingering nervousness.

He responded by pulling me closer, our bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces. "I know you're nervous," he whispered, punctuating his words with soft kisses. "I won't push you."

I slid my hands underneath his sweatshirt, molding my fingers to his warm back, my voice failing me as I tried to tell him that it was all right, that I wasn't afraid of him. But he understood without my saying a word, and his kisses deepened.

I tugged on his shirt, and he pulled it off, flinging it across the room. "Yours too," he said huskily, his fingertips caressing my stomach as he slid it up. I let him pull it off, then settled back against the couch, the rough material warm against my back. I let my hands drift over his chest, then pulled him back down.

There were no words for awhile as we explored each other, our kisses going from tender to almost punishing. When we finally stopped for air, we were both panting. His hard cock pressed against mine. "Fox..."

"Yeah?" I replied, kissing his collarbone.

"You think maybe we should move to the bedroom?"

I nodded against his neck, and he slid off of me. "I would carry you," he murmured, "but you're a little too tall."

I laughed, and followed him down the hall. The cover was turned down on the bed. "Were you planning this?" I whispered against his neck as his hands found the drawstring of my sweats.

"You mean you didn't realize that already?" he chuckled as I kicked away the confining material. "And you're the investigator. Tsk."

My laughter turned into a gasp as he slid his hand inside my boxers and wrapped his strong fingers around my cock. "Walter..."

"Sssh." His grasp loosened, and the rough pads of his fingertips rubbed against the head of my cock.

I fumbled for the first button on his jeans, and managed to pop it as he continued to tease me into an even higher state of arousal. I was reaching for the second one, when he pulled away, and went down on his knees, taking my boxers with him. I saw his intent a moment before he grabbed my hips and swallowed my length. I groaned, pressing forward, my hands dancing across the top of his head.

After a few seconds all my mind could register was the hot wetness of his mouth, and the fact that his warm hands on my hips kept me from thrusting further into the heat. "Walter," I groaned. "Stop, or I'll..."

He replied by running his tongue along the bottom of my cock, along the vein that throbbed there. Then I forgot about words as he relaxed his throat muscles and took my entire length into his mouth. Moans that I couldn't recognize as my own issued from my throat as he worked to bring me to the edge. Just as I felt a tightening in my muscles that signaled the coming orgasm, he pulled back. I opened one eye, gazing, and made a sound of protest.

Skinner stripped off his jeans, and pulled me down onto the bed. I ran my hand down his chest. "You are wicked."

He grinned, and grabbed the lube from the nightstand. "I know I am. You want it, or should I?"

Before I could answer, he was spreading the lubricant over my aching cock. The cool gel heated instantly in contact with my skin as I watched the look of concentration on his face. "You know, this isn't Jeopardy," I said. "How much concentration is involved in having sex?"

"A lot, if you want to do it right," he replied, replacing the bottle on the nightstand. He laid back against the pillows, looking up at me. "I want to see you."

I ran my hand down his rigid length, then used the precum that beaded the tip to ease the passage of my finger into him. His lips parted slightly, but no sound issued forth. I caught him in a kiss as I added a second finger to the first, and felt him shudder against me, his hard cock bumping against my stomach, leaving a wet trail.

"Ready?" I whispered in his ear.

Skinner nodded, and I slid almost agonizingly slowly into his heat. He groaned, and lifted his hips to meet my thrust. I looked down at him. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he gasped. I dropped my head and kissed him. He moved underneath me, and I began our familiar rocking movement almost unconsciously. His body was hot and hard underneath mine, and I realized how much I'd missed this in the past week. Not just the sex, but the feeling of intimacy.

I wrapped my hand around his cock, and started to pump. "Mulder..." he moaned, and arched upward.

"I love you," I whispered in his ear.

"I love you, too," he replied. I felt the ring of his muscles contract around me, and lights flickered around the edges of my field of vision.

"Wait," I groaned.

"I don't want to wait," Skinner ground out, and clenched again. I moaned, my hips and hands moving faster, faster, faster...the lights flickered more and more, until all I could see was the light, and all I could hear was him whispering my name...

"Walter!" I cried, and collapsed on top of him, barely feeling the wetness of his semen on my chest. "Oh, god..."

Through my haze, I felt him wiggle out from underneath me. I reached out for him, to keep him close. He chuckled in my ear. "I'm going to get a washcloth, or we'll stick together."

I grinned. "Okay. But don't forget to come back."

His hand traced my cheek. "I won't."

I stretched out on the bed, listening to the water run in the bathroom, closing my eyes. I was in the middle of a yawn when he came back, and dripped water on my face. I opened my eyes to see him smiling above me. "Hey!"

"Don't fall asleep just yet." He sat down on the edge of the bed, and gently washed my stomach and chest, then kissed my chin. He tossed the cloth on the floor, then spooned up against me. "I love you."

"I know you do," I whispered back. "Thank you. For loving me."

His breath was warm against my back. "Don't thank me...I couldn't stop loving you if I tried."

<end>

***

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* * *

 

TITLE: Karma: Commitment   
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk and Amatia  
EMAIL ADDRESS:   
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, just tell me  
SPOILER WARNING: season 6  
RATING: NC-17  
CLASSIFICATION: V, A, R Content warning: Slash, Mulder/Skinner  
SUMMARY: Mulder and Skinner are going on vacation. But what's wrong with Mulder?  
DISCLAIMER: You think we own them? Yeah right, we can't even afford one of Mulder's ties. CC owns them all.

* * *

Chapter 1: Get While The Getting's Good  
by Ladyhawk ()

God, I should have known that he was behind this case. The bastard. Wisconsin must be his new base or something. He must be trying to recreate Cassandra, hurriedly. The deaths of the MUFON members were rather gruesome. The alien's green blood poisoned them all. 

Scully and I looked everywhere we could think of for signs of the smoking creep, but no success. Only once, when we were in a warehouse I thought I saw him. . .

\--------------------------------------------------------

"Mulder, why are we going to a computer warehouse?" We were running between each of the three crime scenes all day, looking for connections. By the time we went to the warehouse, it was 6pm and we were exhausted.

"One of the MUFON members we questioned said that the second victim came here to meet someone before he was killed. I'm hoping to find something." We drew our guns as we approached the quiet building and went inside.

I flicked on the lights and nodded to Scully to take the right side of the building. I took the left. I moved cautiously. The lighting in the building was lousy, leaving much space in shadow.

As I rounded one stack of boxes, a shadow moved. I ran toward it. When I arrived at where the shadow last was, I saw nothing but boxes. One of them suddenly fell behind me, startling me. I must have caught the edge of a box when I turned around toward the sound, because I felt a sharp pain in my arm. There was nothing there behind me but the fallen box.

"Scully?" My voice carries in the empty room.

"Over here, Mulder!" Scully was still on the other side of the room.

I glided cautiously to the location of Scully's voice. I grabbed her shoulders so she didn't startle too much. My voice is gentle in her ear. "There's someone else in here."

"Where?"

"I'm not sure now. I saw something move over on the other side, but it left before I could see it." 

We continued to search together, but to no avail. That bastard gave us the slip. We went back to the motel. We had been here 4 days with nothing to show for it. It's time to leave. Our new AD Eckert probably wouldn't cut us any more slack.

\--------------------------------------------------------

I lean back on the bed of my motel room. The phone is to my ear, waiting for Walter to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

I smile as Walter laughs. "Who else would it be, at 1 AM? How's it going up there?"

"There's no sign of him. He may have moved on already. We're coming home." I sigh tiredly. I'm sick of this whole thing. Looking over my shoulder all the time, the lies, all of it. I know Scully is too. We need to regroup. I still haven't recovered from Walter getting fired.

"Good. I have a surprise for you. I found Kim and had her get you two weeks off. I already talked to Scully about it. She's going to visit her brother."

"And what will we be doing?" Walter is reading my mind again. He knew we were worn out.

"You'll see. Just get yourself home first." It's nice to hear Walter so relaxed. That's one good side effect of the disaster I caused when Walter shot Diana.

And it will be so nice to relax myself, these next two weeks. Although I wheedle and plea, Walter won't tell me where we are going. But I have fun picking on him, just the same.

\-----------------------------------------------------

When I walk off the plane, he is there waiting for us. It's a shock to see him out in public dressed casually. I'm so used to the suit and tie, even though he dresses casually when I'm with him at night. I hug him as Scully grabs our bags off the carousel. I don't dare do more in public, although I want to kiss him until we are both breathless.

As it is, I lean on Walter more and longer than is considered appropriate in this biased world. But I don't care anymore. I missed him and I need to feel his arms around me.

Scully smiles at me as I look at her over Walter's shoulder. She has been so supportive. I know she's glad that Walter and I have made it through these lasdt couple months still together.

"When do our vacations start, Walter?" He pulls away from me as Scully's voice carries to us.

"Kim was able to get you time off starting tomorrow. She also has some flight options for you. I did some research for you, since all this was such short notice. And no, Mulder, I'm not telling you where we are going." His eyes dance with mirth.

"Looks like you're in trouble, Mulder." Scully smiles at me. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off. I can finish up our report." Bless her. She knows I won't get a thing done because I'll be too distracted thinking of Walter and our mysterious vacation.

I wave at Scully as she goes to retrieve her car from the vast airport parking lot. Walter guides me to his Buick, waiting right outside the nearest door.

\--------------------------------------------------------

As soon as we get into Walter's apartment, our lips meet in a soul-searing kiss. Our jackets are discarded as we seek out flesh. My absence has caused me to be more sensitive to his touch. I want to tell him to take me here, against the wall by the door. Even though I'm fully dressed, and we haven't let our hands stray lower than each other's waist. But Walter pulls back.

"You should pack. We need to leave prety early tomorrow morning." That wicked spark in his eyes is back. He starts to move away from me.

Although I love when he teases me, I just can't handle it right now. I'm too aroused. And I have no patience. I pull him back to me, laughing.

In the second he turns back to me, an image flashes before my eyes. Of a devil's face, red, with horns, and the evil grin. With Walter's bald head and glasses. But the image fades quickly. I shake my head to clear it. What brought that on?

Walter looks puzzled for a minute. But that also fades quickly as I pull his hard body against mine. "Not so fast. I think we have something else we need to do first." My body traps his against the wall as I pull the sweatshirt over his head. Our erections bump against each other as I mold myself to his muscular length.

My moan is swallowed up by his hungry mouth. My knees weaken as he moves from my lips to the sensitive part of my neck with his kisses. Only his strong arms keep me upright.

"I've only been gone a few days. Why do I feel like it's been forever?" I comply eagerly as Walter bends to lower us to the floor.

"Love will do that. I know I haven't been able to get much sleep these past couple days because I was worried." My shirt buttons are undone by his skillful fingers as I unbutton his jeans.

My hand curls around his erection. The heat of it nearly burns my hand. His gasp is music to my ears. I push his jeans and briefs down his legs with one hand as the other gently traces the lines of his cock.

Walter shivers under my hand. I look up into his straining face and smile. With agility I didn't think I had at the moment, I flip us over and fasten my mouth onto his cock.

His hip jerk upward to meet my questing mouth and I swallow him eagerly. A strong hand snakes into my hair softly, warming me with its gentleness. He caresses my scalp as I lave his erection. 

But as his breathing becomes erratic, he pulls at my shoulder, pulling me up to face him. The love in his eyes is enough to bring me to tears. As it is, my voice is strained with emotion. "I love you, Walter."

His arms wrap around me as I bury my face in his neck. "Hey, are you ok?" His voice is concerned. I can understand why. It usually takes a lot more to bring me to tears.

"Yeah. I just missed you. I was worried. I thought maybe Spender diverted us to Wisconsin to get to you."

Walter chuckles softly. "Your paranoia is high gear, I see. I was ok. I didn't see anything suspicious while you were gone." He pushes himself up so he's in a half-sitting position. I pull my weight off him and sit back.

"Let's take this to the bedroom. The floor isn't good for my back." He pulls my hand and helps me up.

Once we are securely ensconed in the bedroom, we pick up where we left off, but this time Walter calls the shots. My clothes are quickly discarded and he guides me to the bed.

He sits up against the headboard and pulls me on top of him. "Like this? So I can hold you?"

God, I become a wreck when he turns sentimental. I fall into his arms with a sigh. The heat of his mouth draws me into deep kisses and my eyes close as the comfortable arousal takes over my mind. The muscles in my back are massaged and caressed as his lips and tongue work magic along my neck and chest. I growl low in my throat as he bites gentle on one of my nipples.

I match his movements moments later and add to them. My hips almost involuntarily rock against him. Our erections brush, sending jolts of pleasure through me. But I need more. I want to feel his love surrounding me.

I grab the bottle of lube on the table beside us. Walter takes it from me with a smile and coats his fingers with the stuff.

"Ohh, yes. . .How do you know just what I need?" My skin tingles with joy as his fingers enter me, stretching me. His free arm wraps around me, pulling my body to his solid form, enfolding me in his heat.

"It's not hard when I need the same thing." The words are muffled, whispered into my shoulder. His hips jerk to meet the rocking motion of mine as his fingers continue to pump into me. His hard heat rubs against me steadily. Whispered endearments are intermixed with sighs.

Finally, Walter can't take any more. His fingers pull out of me and are replaced by his cock. I lean back to help guide him in and to watch his face. His eyes lock to mine as they had when I needed him to, to keep me focused, so long ago. Or so it feels. But now, I can show my love for him through my gaze. His smile turns into a grimace as my body takes him in fully, tightly.

He shifts and wraps his arms around me. The comfort I find in his arms is matched only by the joy found in the movements of our bodies. Our rhythm is slow and steady. We are enjoying each part of our union like a fine wine, carefully, with full concentration. Until the pleasure drives us faster.

My teeth bury themselves in his shoulder as we strain together. Our movements become erratic, but we never lose our grip around each other's back. Not even when my climax tears thru me, pushing me backwards. Or a second later when with a shout, Walter follows me.

We collapse against the headboard, still wrapped up in each other. We only move so he can pull his softening member out of me, then I relax into his embrace.

"So where are we going tomorrow?" I smile against his shoulder as he rocks with laughter.

"You never give up, do you? How does Vermont sound to you? I thought we could go hiking, be lazy around my friend's cabin. Just be together for awhile, alone."

"It sounds wonderful. Thank you. This is just what we needed." I kiss him softly as we move down the bed to lay down for a nap. He curls around my back protectively and his breathing slows.

Although his presence is a wonderful comfort, for some reason I can't settle down. The shadows in the room dance, seemingly to mock me. My head fills with images of all the enemies I fought in my past. 

Who is after me now? My instincts are on full alert all of a sudden. Whoa, hold it. I'm safe. I'm with Walter. I take a deep breath.

But even my logic isn't enough. The only way I can fall asleep is with my head buried in his chest, hiding from the shadows.

*******************************************************

Chapter II: Through the Thick

I always love to come up here. The air is clean and crisp. The sounds are of life instead of machinery. It makes me feel clean, an individual, instead of a cog in the ever-moving machinations of the human world. It does my soul good to breathe this air.

And the atmosphere is doing Mulder some good too. He's more energetic, more playful. But for some reason, in the past two days, he's become extremely paranoid. He's fine when I'm in the room, or outside with him. But as soon as I move away from him, he seems to cower, as if fearing attack at any second.

I've asked him about it, but he tells me he's fine. I'm not so sure. I've become very suspicious of the words "I'm fine." But what can I do? He won't tell me what's wrong, so I just watch him.

Tonight, we are just relaxing inside. But it's cold in here. Maybe I should go outside and get some wood for a fire. "Mulder, would you go in the bedroom and get my sweater?" He is standing at the stairway, looking a bit puzzled.

After a second, he shakes his head as if to clear it. "Ok. Where is it?"

"On the bed." I smile at him as he nods and runs upstairs.

I clean up a little while he's doing that. Mulder tends to throw his stuff around without thinking about it. I'm not concerned about it at my apartment, but I'd hate to have him lose something up here.

Just as I'm grabbing his sweatpants from behind the couch, where they fell the last time we made love, I hear a scream from upstairs.

"Mulder?!" I run up the stairs to find Mulder huddled on the floor of the master bedroom, staring into a dark corner.

I crouch down and lay a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, what's wrong?" I can feel him shaking and his skin is clammy. But as I scan the room, I see nothing amiss. What's going on here?

"The, the bugs. In the corner." Mulder points into a corner near the window. I walk over to it and look. Nothing.

"There's nothing here. Mulder." I look back at my lover, puzzled.

All of a sudden, Mulder's expression changes. He's looking right at me, but his face twists into a expression of extreme fear. Now I'm scared. "Hey, hey. What's wrong?"

I walk over to him to comfort him but he pushes himself away from me. "Get away from me! You black-lunged bastard!"

What the hell? "Mulder. Mulder, it's Walter. Shhh. It's ok. I'm not going to hurt you." I gentle my voice. God, I think he's hallucinating.

Luckily, I think reality comes back to him. He bursts into tears a seecond later and moves to fall into my arms. "I don't know what's happening to me, Walter." 

He buries his face in my neck and shivers. "I think I'm losing my mind."

"Can you tell me what's going on? Please?" I clutch his trembling body tightly.

"I, I've been scared. Of everything. Except you."

"You looked pretty scared of me a minute ago."

"I was? I don't remember." Mulder pulls back and looks at my face, puzzled.

"Yeah. You were looking straight at me and you looked terrified." I sit down on the bed and pull him down with me. "How do you feel now?"

"Tired. But not scared, because you're here." He lays down on the bed and grabs my hand. He falls asleep before I can say another word about the situation.

So I just curl my body around him and try to protect him from his inner demons.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Unlike the beginning of our relationship, this time I'm not enough to keep the demons at bay.

I wake up to shouts and screams. Once my eyes adjust to the darkness, I can see Mulder sitting up in bed, swinging his arms at something.

"Fox? Fox, what's wrong?" When I look at him I expect his eyes to be closed, but they are wide open and seem to be at least somewhat focused. He's awake, hallucinating again.

He turns toward my voice, but he can't be seeing me. I've never seen him this agitated before. But before I can reach out to him, his fists head toward my face. I grab them within an inch of my skin.

"Mulder! What's going on?" I stroke his hair with one hand as I use my other arm to hold him still. But I can't get him to come back to me. He just keeps struggling, terrified.

After a few minutes of this, I know I need help. But what do I do with Mulder? I sigh. I don't want to do this, but I must, to keep him from hurting himself. . .

I grab my belt from where my jeans lay on the floor and wrap it around his hands and the bedpost. And I pick up Mulder's cellphone and hit the first speeddial number.

"Scully."

"Scully, it's Walter Skinner. I know it must be late there, but this is an emergency."

"Walter? What--"

"I'm not sure. I think Mulder is hallucinating."

"What has he eaten? Anything you haven't?" Thankfully, Scully goes into full investigator mode. I'm so worried, I'm not sure what questions need to be asked right now.

"Not that I know of. And he hasn't taken any medication. . ." He's been with me practically the whole time during our flight up and the last two days at the cabin.

As Scully mentally checks her list with me, I watch Mulder. He has finally stopped struggling with the belt and his eyelids are drooping. I want to release him from his constraint, but I'm afraid to. What if he runs off while I'm sleeping because he thinks something is chasing him?

Finally, Scully becomes frustrated. "Walter, I want to come up there. I want to do some blood tests. Do you mind?"

"It probably would be for the best. I can keep him safe here until we can figure this out. I don't want to take him to the hospital. I think I've become as paranoid as he is. . ."

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. You'll be ok with him until I get there?" I can imagine Scully already scurrying around her brother's house, collecting her things.

"Yes, but what about your brother? I didn't want to spoil--"

"Walter, Mulder's my partner and my best friend. He needs me. I wouldn't do this any other way. Just keep him safe until I get there." With that, she promises to call as soon as she finds a flight to Vermont, and I promise to arrange for another rental car and directions. I won't leave the cabin with Mulder in this state.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Scully gets here in the late afternoon. She must have wheedled to get the first flight out. I meet her at the front door and take her upstairs. Mulder is still tied to the bed, as he was when I called her.

He has had some periods of lucidity, but has spent most of the day in a world of his own. During his lucid times, I tried to explain what was going on and get him to eat and take care of other needs. But these times only last about a half hour at a time and only happened three times.

And he's at his worst when we go upstairs. He's screaming at the top of his lungs and pulling against the belt hard enough to leave cuts on his skin. He doesn't even react when we come into the room.

"Oh my God. This just happened today?" Scully sits on the chair by the bed. I put my hand on her shoulder to try to comfort her, but I need just as much comfort as she does right now.

"Ok, I need to get a blood sample to take to a lab near here. Help me." I knew Scully could be all business in times like these. Her resolve helps me focus on what needs to be done.

We struggle with Mulder for a few minutes, but luckily, he starts to become aware of his surroundings. "Walter?" He looks up at me, confused, as he was the three times before.

Since he doesn't seem to remember the times he was lucid before, I grasp on the first thing I can think of to get him to cooperate. "You've been sick, Mulder. Scully needs to take some blood."

"Ok. Can I get up after that?" He tugs on the belt lightly. I can see the blood on his wrists. The sight brings tears to my eyes. I reach up and release the belt. My hands try to soothe his chafed skin.

Scully gets what she needs quickly and smiles at Mulder gently. "I'm going to get this analyzed right away. I want you back on your feet quickly, partner."

I help Mulder to the bathroom and get him a sandwich as Scully walks out the door.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Three hours later, Scully comes back. By this time, I've had Mulder restrained on the bed again for over 2 hours. 

Her face is grim as I let her into the cabin. "Preliminary work indicates that Mulder has been infected by a virus of unknown origin. It seems to be shifting chemical concentrations in his brain."

"I need to get him to a hospital to run some scans. I think this virus is trying to alter Mulder's brain. . .permanently. If we don't stop this thing soon. . ."

I'm afraid to even think of what could happen. I don't want to lose him!

*******************************************************

Chapter III: In Sickness

The shock of the whole thing is starting to give way to fear. I'm losing Mulder. And I don't know what to do. And by the look on Scully's face, neither does she.

"Let's get him in the car, Walter. Maybe we can find some answers once we do a CAT scan." But her face looks grim. Call me paranoid, but I don't think this is any ordinary virus.

Luckily, Mulder must be exhausted, so getting him into the car is easy. He's half-asleep the whole time.

But as soon as we set him on the table for the scan, he starts screaming. Luckily, our badges secured us in the room alone. I'd hate to have to explain all this.

"Put him in the restraints Walter. I'll get the anesthesia." Scully moves around getting the apparatus set up.

Once we get everything working, Scully points out the changes in Mulder's brain. "It's changing chemical concentrations and the receptor sites for those chemicals. The higher levels of dopamine are probably what's causing the halucinations. I've also spotted strains of excess DNA in his blood stream. Like the DNA in my blood."

"Alien DNA?" Damn all of them! Why can't they leave him alone?

"Yeah, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. It might just be guiding the reactions and the virus."

"So how do we stop all this?" Panic is starting to set in. If we don't get this virus out of him soon. . .

"I can give him some psychotropic meds for now, but I'll have to stay here and do research on the virus. But maybe the drugs will slow things down."

The drug Scully gives Mulder basically turns him into a zombie. Her eyes apologize for this, but I know that is the best she can do for now. I take him back to the cabin with a prayer on my lips.

\-------------------------------------------------------

When I get back to the cabin, I start swearing. I'm really wishing I still had my gun. Or a hammer would do.

Outside the cabin stands a very familiar suited figure. The smoke rising from his cigarette inflames me. I want to jump out of this car and choke the life out of him. But I need to know what he's doing here. He must've planted the virus inside of Fox. But why?

I get out of the car slowly, trying to make sure Fox is safe in the backseat and out of his line of fire. "What do you want?"

His smile freezes me. "I want Mulder."

"What?!" I may just forget my resolve and kill him right now. I step closer. . .

"Come now, Mr. Skinner. You know if Mulder isn't cured soon, he could be like that forever." He waves his hand toward the car.

"So give me the cure, you bastard!" I assume he's here to make a deal. What do I have to do or give up this time?

Damn the man, he wants it all this time. "Not this time. I want Mulder. In return, I will return your career to you." I'm ready to scream at him but he waves me off.

"I'll give you time to think about it. I'll be back in three days. The changes should be permanent by then."

"Why are you doing this?!" He backs away as I make a grab at him. I'm just about at the end of my rope.

"He's seen too much. He has ruined too much. He needs to be controlled." The last words are said in a stilted voice, as if his anger at Mulder matches my anger at him.

Even at this very frustrating point, curiousity is killing me. "Why do this? Why not just try to kill him?"

"I need him alive, Mr. Skinner. To keep the cooperation of certain people. You, of course being one of those people. But then again, you may be less inclined to care about him if that brilliant mind is gone." Before I can gather myself enough to say anything against this, he gets into his car and drives away.

I lean again my car with a sigh. I want to rant, scream, run, something. Something to make this pain in my gut go away. But I can't. I have to be strong for Mulder. Because that black lunged bastard stole his strength from him.

I can't stop the few tears that escape from me. I let them fall untouched. I don't want to acknowledge that I'm grieving for someone I fear is lost forever.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Scully looks as exhausted as I feel when she gets back from the hospital. But she has some hope in her eyes.

"The virus responds to cold, like the alien blood does. It slows down. But it doesn't stop it. But maybe. . ." She looks down into her soup with a pensive face.

"What?" My spoon stops in front of my face. Mulder is more important than food right now.

"It would be radical, but we could try concentrated cold, like radiation therapy for cancer. The virus is centered in the frontal lobe of Mulder's brain right now. If I could devise something.. ."

"But that will only slow it or stop it temporarily. How do we get rid of them?" My head drops onto my open hand. 

"If we only hand a vacuum cleaner to sweep the virus out of him." The image makes us both chuckle, but that is impossible.

"Krycek." I look behind me. Mulder is standing there. His eyes appear focused for the first time all day. But what he just said makes me wonder. . .

"What did you say, Fox?" I try to sound calm, but I am worried. If he's hallucinating even when on the psychotropic, things could be worse than we thought.

"Contact Krycek. You wanted a vacuum cleaner. Why not tiny vacuums?" His hand rests on my shoulder, as if he feels my fear. Krycek could kill us all. . . And SR 819? It's too dangerous. I can't let him risk it. I don't even know if the things can be programmed for this.

"That just might work, Mulder. But where to we get the rocket scientist to create more of the little things?"

"Use the ones in Walter. If we can get them out of him, they probably can be reprogrammed." The wild ideas are back. Only in Mulder's head would these ideas be considered sanity. I smile at him through my fears. 

"Do you think Krycek could do that himself?" I know I can get Krycek. He left me an email address to get ahold of him when the time comes for him to get me to do something. That time never came. I wonder if the blow-up of the consortium had anything to do with that.

"We'd have to look at the controller. Did you get a good look at it before?" His hand wraps around mine, comfortingly. He knows I hate to talk about SR 819. I hate being that vulnerable.

"No. It was dark in the car." I caress the hand wrapped around mine. My eyes look up and take in his face. He amazes me. He should be dead to the world, locked in a world all his own, by Scully's account. And yet he's standing here trying to help us. So that we can help him.

"Well, then, we'll have to see what Krycek can come up with." Scully says this with little conviction. How are we going to convince Krycek to go along with this in the first place? And we are going to trust him with Mulder's sanity? I want to hope this will work, but this is Krycek we are talking about. 

But this is our only hope. "Scully, give me your laptop."

I hook the computer up to the phoneline and tap into the FBI internet connection. I send an email to the appropriate address and a prayer to a God I barely believe in.

\-------------------------------------------------------

The following morning, a black shadow is sitting on the couch when I come down to the living room. Glittering green eyes meet mine as I reach the bottom of the stairs.

"I'll do it." Krycek gets up from the couch and faces me. "I'll have to remove the little buggers from you and reprogram them. I take it Scully is here?"

"You'll do it, just like that?" My mind can barely grasp what's going on here. This is more than I hoped for.

"It will cost you later. When I need you." He looks into the kitchen. "Get Scully up. We need to get started. You said Mulder doesn't have a lot of time."

"Right." I head back upstairs. Already, I can hear Mulder screaming. I guess he lost his fight with the virus today. At that thought, my body feels heavy. This situation is weighing us all down.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Once we got Mulder as comfortable as possible, Scully and I head down to the kitchen, where Krycek is sipping coffee.

"Agent Scully, how nice to see you again." His smile somehow seems manevolent, even though he doesn't do anything more.

"Let's just get this done, Krycek. I don't want you here any longer than you need to be." Scully's stance is rejecting, but she holds out her hand.

He gives her a small box similar to the one he has to control SR 819. "Put this on his arm. The devices are attracted to its frequency. They should collect inside it. Then we can begin to reprogram them."

I hold out my arm to Scully. The device makes my skin tingle as it touches me. I can't see anything, but I swear I can feel the little things racing through my blood. After about ten minutes, the device beeps.

"It says all the devices have been collected. Now what, Krycek?" She glares at him, as if daring him to do anything other than help us.

"Get the data on the virus. I'll program them to your specifications." He takes the gray box from Scully as she goes into the living room to get her print-outs.

"Will this work?" Krycek glances at me after fiddling with the box.

"It has to. This is the only shot he has." Scully and Kyrcek start pouring over the data.

I sit on a chair a few feet away then go upstairs to be with my lover before they implant his bringers of life, or death.

*******************************************************

Chapter IV: For Poorer

Gazing at my lover, I pray. To a God I barely know, for the man I know so well. Hoping that another miracle can be pulled off in the nick of time. My only consolation is that Mulder has done that exact thing many times before.

Mulder's sleeping body houses the mind that I'm so desperate to save. I'll stick by his side and love him no matter what happens, but oh, to lose him to his own fears and imagination. . .

Scully walks into the bedroom quietly, with Krycek right behind her. "They are ready Walter. We need to put them in him now." She holds up the box containing the microscopic machines that, hours ago, were inside me.

"Should we wake him up?" That's not the question I really want to ask. But they can't answer the question I really want to ask: Will this work? Will these objects that nearly killed me kill the alien virus and return Mulder's mind to him?

Scully shakes her head to my voiced question. "We don't know if this will be painful for him. It's better to let him sleep." She sits carefully on the bed next to Mulder and touches the box to his arm. I can see something light up on it as she sends SR 819 into him. Mulder only shudders once as the devices enter his bloodstream.

"Now, we wait." Scully sighs tiredly. It's only noon, but I'm sure the pressure of trying to save Mulder has weighed her down, as it has me.

I watch Krycek hover worriedly by the door for a minute. "Don't tell me you actually give a shit?"

"Yeah, and I'd tell you why, but it would just make you mad. So let it go." I examine his face as he says this. He's probably right. If--When this is all over, I'll ask Mulder about it.

I focus my attention back on my lover. Oh God. He's starting to convulse. Scully sees it right after I do. As if we've been doing this for years, we move simultaneously to turn him so he doesn't hurt himself. 

Scully glares at Krycek. He looks appalled. "I don't know. I'm not an MD!" He raises his hands helplessly as I try to keep Mulder from falling off the bed.

After a minute, it's over. Mulder collapses onto the bed and I let him go. He opens his eyes and gazes around, puzzled. "Where am I?" His voice whispers raspily.

"You're in Vermont. At my friend's cabin. We came here for a vacation but you got sick."

"What? Who are you??!!" Mulder grabs at me and pushes. I fall against the chair behind me, shocked. What the hell is going on here?

"WHERE IS SAMANTHA??! GIVE HER BACK TO US!" I watch, stunned, as Mulder reaches for Scully and tries to choke her. "I want my sister, you bitch."

Krycek and I grab at him to keep him from hurting Scully, then we try to find answers in each other's eyes. 

But the answers are locked in Mulder's brain. And I don't think any of us know how to get them out.

\-------------------------------------------------------

It takes all three of us almost an hour to calm Mulder down. During this time, I realize that Mulder is actually relatively lucid. It seems though, that he has large gaps in his memory.

Finally, we get him to the point that Scully can take some blood from him for testing. He's suspicious of us, but he's compliant. Once Scully gets what she needs, I resume questioning him to figure out what he remembers and what he doesn't.

"You don't remember any of us, Mulder?" I've moved my chair a foot away from the bed to give him some space. I don't want him thinking that I'm going to restrain him, although that's exactly what I want to do. Hold him in my arms until his body remembers what his mind is refusing to now.

"No, sir. I know I've seen him before." He points at Krycek. "But I don't remember from where. I don't recognize you or Agent Scully at all. I'm sorry."

"It's ok. You've been pretty sick. Your memory will probably come back as you recover. Just rest for now." I lean back in my chair and watch him try to absorb his surroundings. I glance up at Krycek, who is standing next to me. He is focused on Mulder.

"Do you know what you do for a living, Mulder?"

"I'm a computer programmer?"

"What makes you say that?" How the hell could the outrageous Fox Mulder come up with something so ordinary?

"I seem to remember sitting at a computer for hours on end."

His time with Kersch. Not a pleasant thing to remember, but certainly not the worst thing in that head of his.

"No actually, you're an FBI agent. In charge of your own division. I used to be your boss, but I was laid off."

Mulder ponders this. I let him alone with his thoughts while I pick up a book from the nightstand and start to read. About ten minutes later, I hear Mulder clear his throat, so I raise my head to look at him.

"After thinking about it, I seem to remember why you were laid off. You were actually fired for sexually harrassing me, weren't you?"

I'm glad I'm sitting down. Because I feel like I'm going to faint.

\-------------------------------------------------------

I try to explain the actual situation of my leaving the Bureau, but Mulder won't hear any of it. In fact, he gets very agitated in my presence. So against my better judgement, I leave him alone with Krycek and go down to the kitchen to start dinner.

As I'm putting the finishing touches on the pasta, Scully walks in looking exhausted.

"The virus is gone." She smiles tiredly up at me as I pull out a chair for her. "Thanks." She sits down as I move to dish her some food.

"We have another problem now." I hate to tell her at this time, she's so tired. But she needs to be warned.

"What?"

"He's already beginning to remember pieces of the past, but they are getting twisted somehow. He thinks I was fired from the Bureau for sexually harrassing him."

"Hmm. Memory's a tricky thing. It doesn't take much to alter what a person thinks happened. We'll just have to show him evidence to support the truth I guess." She must see the worry in my face, because she pauses. "What?"

"I think we should get him out of here. Before Cancerman shows up." I straddle the chair across from her and lean my head on my hands. Scully isn't the only one worn to the bone.

"I'm not sure he would let you take him, Skinner. I'm not sure he's let any of us take him." Krycek's voice comes from the stairs. He walks toward us, looking as harried as we are. Krycek moves to the stove and looks at me quizzically and at my nod, gets some food.

"Why, what's wrong?" Scully's face drags as she looks up at him.

"I know you're going to try to blame this on me, but I swear it's not my fault. He thinks both of you are out to get him. I'm not much higher on his trust list. He does seem to remember my job with Scully and Duane Barry fairly well. The virus must have somehow twisted his memory rather drastically in some other areas, though. He thinks he should be working for the old man."

"The cigarette smoking man?" Oh my God. 

"Yeah. He remembers that the old man worked with his father. He thinks they were working together to stop the two of you, and possibly me, from helping the aliens take over the world." I have never seen Krycek look so helpless in my life. For once, I believe every word he just said.

That doesn't make me feel any better.

\------------------------------------------------------

The three of us spend the next day and a half trying to explain the truth to him. The truth he spent all of his life trying to discover, which now has been cruelly twisted in his mind.

The only thing fruitful from our efforts is that I gain some insight into exactly what Krycek was trying to do. He was trying to destroy the consortium from the inside. Small comfort now. I sit here in my frustration, trying to prepare for the worst.

Scully puts her hand on my shoulder as I gaze out the front window. "I don't know what to do, Scully. He won't listen."

"That's Mulder. Always wrapped up in his own ideas. But this time, I can't get him to budge at all on his convictions. He usually isn't this bad." I look up at her face to see tears falling. She feels as helpless as I do.

The three of us decided to take a chance when we realized we weren't making any headway with Mulder. We'd let him meet the old man. Scully theorizes that that might bring forth the memories he seems to be blocking. The ones in which he realized the man was responsible for the abduction of his sister, Scully's abduction, and the death of his father. 

Having him see the man in person seems like a weak solution to me, but I can't think of anything better. And right now, I'm running out of hope that I will ever see Mulder eyes shine in love for me again. My own tears begin to fall.

Just when I think I can't feel any lower, a car pulls up to the cabin. In it, I can see him. The enemy, the one who wants to take all that I have from me. Sorrow turns into angry frustration as I watch the old man get out of the car and approach the house.

I don't get up as Scully opens the door to him. In fact, I don't even look up as he approaches me. I'd rather not acknowledge his presence until he forces me to.

"Mr. Skinner. How is Agent Mulder?" Usually, I have a pretty long fuse. I have to, once working, and now living with the most incorrigible person it has ever been my pleasure to meet. But the words out of this man's mouth inflame me. My body lurches up and I'm yelling in his face before I even realize it.

"He's alive, but not well. What you did to him is criminal. Right now I want to choke the life right out of you. But I can't!" If I do, it will be harder to convince Mulder of the truth. I have to do all I can to help him get well. That means denying myself the one action that would please me the most at this moment. To give him the chance, as slim as it might be, to recognize this man for what he really is.

I don't realize Mulder has walked in until he makes a grab at us. "Keep you hands off him! Skinner!" He pushes on me. Not wanting to hurt him, I let him and fall backwards to the floor.

"Are you ok? I'm sorry, I don't remember your name." I watch, apalled, as Mulder steps over me and places his hand on the old man's shoulder.

After a moment of shock, it seems that the old man realizes at least some of what is happening. "I'm fine, Fox. Thank you."

"Could you explain to me what's going on here? I don't really trust these people. I know that they have tried to betray me at one time or another." I see a smile sneak onto the bastard's face. As I scan the room, I notice that Krycek's face echoes my feeling of horror.

"Sure, Fox. Would you like to come with me so I can explain it to you?" He puts his arms around Mulder's shoulders. I can't stop the yelled "No!" that emerges from me. I nearly sob right there and then as Mulder turns away from me.

Krycek holds me back as they walk out the door. "It won't do any good."

"I know." I lean wearily on his arms for a second until I feel that I can stand on my own. He nods as I regain my balance and lets me go.

I go to Scully and wrap her in my arms. Her sobs echo through the living room for what feels like hours. When she quiets, I lay her down on the couch and go into her bedroom.

I grab her gun from the dresser and sit on the bed with it. What do I have to live for? He's gone. I sit there for an hour just reliving all the pain.

All the frustration and pain drags me down as I raise the gun to my head. And the trigger isn't that hard to pull. . .

"Don't you fucking dare!" Before I can finish, the gun is knocked away from me by a very angry Krycek.

"We need you! Do you think even *I* am going to let that bastard keep him? Help us!" He holds my shoulder with his one good hand. "Cry, scream, I don't care. I want to do all of it! But don't leave us. If you do, we, and Mulder, are doomed."

For the first time in the last week, my tears actually bring some relief. Because I know I don't cry alone.

 

* * *

 

TITLE: Karma: Commitment   
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk and Amatia  
EMAIL ADDRESS:   
WEBSITE: Site X - http://personal.pitnet.net/london  
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, just tell me  
SPOILER WARNING: season 6  
RATING: NC-17  
CLASSIFICATION: V, A, R Content warning: Slash, Mulder/Skinner  
SUMMARY: Mulder and Skinner are going on vacation. But what's wrong with Mulder?  
DISCLAIMER: You think we own them? Yeah right, we can't even afford one of Mulder's ties. CC owns them all.

* * *

Chapter V: My Name is Jean Valjean  
by Amatia ()

Scully and I both agree that we have to do something. Neither of us have ever seen Walter Skinner so close to the edge, and it's scaring us. Scully said yesterday that Mulder had told her he'd seen Skinner under pressure once, and it wasn't pretty.

This is downright ugly.

Since I had stopped him from pulling the trigger, he'd withdrawn inside himself, and stopped talking. One morning I went downstairs to the kitchen, and I found him pummeling a pillow so hard it was ripping at the seams. I'd gone and taken hold of his arm, telling him to come have some breakfast with me.

He's out on the porch right now, sitting on the step. Scully's in the kitchen, making sandwiches for lunch. I'm on the couch, thinking, trying to formulate a plan for re-infiltrating the Syndicate, and getting Mulder back.

I guess in a way what I want to do is partly for my own redemption- in my own eyes, and no one else's. Skinner and Scully have both told me that I've been invaluable here, helping them. Scully especially, she leans on me a lot. Skinner...well, he tries not to lean, but whe he does, Scully and I hold him up. But I also want to do it because of the way Mulder and Skinner used to look at each other. Because of the trust Mulder and Scully once had. Because I never had any of those things, and I want to know that I helped bring people who were meant for each other back together.

I get up from the couch, and walk out onto the porch. Skinner doesn't look up as I approach him, just stares off into the sky. I lay my hand on his shoulder, and sit down beside him. "Walter?"

"Hmm?" He finally turns his head to look at me. "You've never called me Walter before."

"I figure it was time I started to, especially since all of us have been living together since..." My voice trails off, and I realize that for all my planning, I'm still afraid to broach the subject with him. But it has to be done. I take a deep breath, and plunge ahead. "You know that I have my own reasons for helping Mulder, and that I don't care to discuss it. But the situation at hand extends beyond my reasons. This time, I want to help him because you love him."

I see a spark light in his eyes, the first one in weeks. "Go on."

"I can go back, and re-infiltrate the Syndicate, and get him out." I say this all on one breath.

"But you can't get him to come to us if he thinks Scully and I are his enemies." The spark dims a little.

I shake my head, praying that what I'm about to tell him will really be true. "His amnesia, his wrong memories - whatever you want to call them, they won't last forever because it's not the truth."

He seems to accept it. "But the Smoking Man knows you're here, he knows you're with us."

"I can disguise myself. I've done it before, and I can do it again. That's not the trouble." I look out at the sky.

"Then what is the trouble?"

"It might take a long time, Walter. It could take up to a year for his real memories to surface."

"I can wait, Krycek. As long as I know it's not hopeless, I can wait."

I hope with all my heart that he won't see that I can't promise him it's not all a lie. "I'll leave tomorrow."

I look over at him again. The spark in his eyes shines brighter, and he squeezes my arm. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me until I bring him back. But I'll call you every so often to let you know what's going on, if he's improving. And you have to promise me that you won't put a gun to your head again."

"Not if I know that someone's trying to help Fox."

He seems to have regained some vitality now, a will to keep going. I can only pray that my plan will work, and that I will be able to get Mulder to remember the correct memories without slipping up, and letting him know it's really me behind the mask. I'm afraid that if I fail, the rest of this already broken glass angel will shatter. My angel, Skinner's angel. I think that Scully could survive it, but not Walter. He and Mulder are too intertwined now to survive a complete and utter separation.

Once upon a time, I had wanted to be where Walter Skinner was before Mulder contracted the virus. Now, all I want is to see them together again. I squeeze Skinner's arm in reply. "I promise you that I will try my hardest to help him."

He stands up, straighter than he has in weeks, and I stand as well. "Bring him home, Alex."

I'll bring Mulder home, or else I will die trying.

*******************************************************

Chapter VI: For That Which Was Forgotten

The beach feels warm under my feet as I run along the shore. My bare feet dig into the sand, making me feel more in tune with my surroundings. It helps alleviate some of the confusion inside my mind. Up ahead of me is something else that helps. I figured he'd be here, waiting for me.

"Hey Charlie!" The redheaded man turns his head. Even though it's a warm day here in Florida, Charlie is covered from neck to toe. Only his face and long auburn hair remains uncovered. White gloves, matching his shirt and pants, even cover his hands.

"Hi, Mulder." I stop in front of him and plop down on the sand. I stretch my limbs as he watches. When I settle down, he settles himself carefully into the sand. "So what's on your mind today?"

That's the thing I found easiest to like about Charlie. He doesn't waste any time, just gets straight to the point. But sometimes, it's a trait that troubles me a lot. Especially when my thoughts are disturbing. Like today.

"I'm remembering more things. But I'm not sure what's real and what's not. I could've sworn that Skinner was jailed for harrassing me. . .but I seem to remember living with him. I don't get it."

"Well I doubt you'd live with him if he tried to sexually harrass you, so one of the memories is probably wrong." They are conflicting memories. . .But how to figure out which is correct?

"How do the memories make you feel?" Charlie's bright green eyes feel like they are delving into my soul.

"Well, the one about sexual harrassment is very vague now. Almost like it's faded. The new memory however, has a lot connected to it. I mean, I remember sleeping with him, laughing together at TV, making love. . ."

"Sounds to me like that's the real memory. It has a lot more attached to it." He stares out into the water. His profile in the early morning sun is almost. . .familiar, in a way that reminds me of the time before I moved down here with Christopher Spender. I have been here almost six months. And I met Charlie a month after I moved here. . .

\-------------------------------------------------------

Most of my real memories of Scully came back the day Charlie showed up. I was in an abandoned building near the beach when he found me, holding my head in agony. I had run there to escape Spender. I no longer was sure who he was exactly.

Charlie came into the bare room and sat down near me while I cried. He was covered from neck to toe in blue and he wore a black baseball cap, with his hair in a ponytail. I remember that well because I stared at him for hours as I tried to assimilate what my mind had flooding through it.

"Scullee. . ." Tears dripped down my face as I watched this stranger just sit there and watch me.

"No, the name is Charlie. Who's this Scully?" He smiled at me gently. 

"A friend. Who I lost. . ."

"Did he die?"

"She. No, I ran away from her. I couldn't remember what a friend she was to me!" This thought makes me sob harder.

"If you couldn't remember, I'm sure she'd understand. Did you have amnesia?"

"I guess. I'm not completely sure what happened. I came here thinking things happened one way, then all of a sudden memories come flooding back. And these memories feel more *right* than the other ones." I sighed into my open hands.

"Sounds like someone altered your memories?"

"Maybe. The whole thing sounds weird. Like an X-file. . ."

"What's an X-file?"

"A paranormal FBI case. I was the head of the X-files division, I think. Scully was my partner." I leaned my head against the wall behind me. "She was, is one of the best people I knew. How could I have just left?"

"You didn't realize. You must've thought she was the enemy, for you to be this upset about it."

"Yeah, I did. Christopher even told me she hated me. I shouldn't have believed him. . ."

"No sense beating yourself up about it now. Can you contact her and explain?"

"Yeah, I guess I could." I looked up at Charlie with respect. He reminded me so much of someone I once knew. . . 

And at least three times a week after that, I'd find him somewhere near me. On the beach, at the store, near Christopher's house. 

And when I moved into my new apartment, when I no longer trusted Christopher, but was afraid to back to DC, Charlie was around even more.

When I needed him, for a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, or just watch over me, he was around where I could find him.

And he sat by me when I finally got the nerve up to call Scully last month. We cried together, all three of us. It was a happy reunion. I told her I may be back up there soon. As soon as I figure out what I've been missing.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Charlie walks me back to my apartment, where he can be out of the sunlight, the light that burns him so badly. Strangely enough, his face tans quite nicely. But I never questioned him about the clothes or his face. It would be rude, considering what he's done for me.

I get him a lemonade and sit across from him. "Why won't you tell me where this money is coming from?"

"Your benefactor wants to remain anonymous. They just realized you were running out of funds and needed help quickly." He fiddles with his glass. 

"Umm, Mulder?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you made any decisions about seeing Scully yet?" He's always pestering me about that, with the best of intentions. He doesn't want me to lose my best friend.

"I talk to her every night, but no, nothing about going back yet, why?"

"Maybe you should talk to this Skinner too. Try to figure out exactly what was the nature of your relationship."

"But what if he wants to get back together?" I hold my head on my hands.

"See how you you feel when you see him, I guess. If he is as good as your memories suggest, he might understand if the feelings are missing."

"But what if they were there before, but they don't come back?"

"We all take a chance on love, Mulder. I'm sure he'd rather you not fake any feelings for him. You'll find away to deal with it. I have the utmost confidence in you." Charlie smiles at me gently.

"I'm not ready yet, but soon."

"What are you waiting for?"

"Something. I'm not sure what." Just then, something catches my eye. Charlie's hair is out of place. I can see hair beneath the red strands, dark hair. The red hair is a wig. 

Although I have much respect for Charlie, paranoia or something hits me hard. He's been playing me for a fool! Who is this man?

Before he can react, I reach up and rip the wig off. When I do, I can see a crease in his skin, like he's wearing. . .a mask!

"Mulder? What are you doing?" He leans back in his chair with a startled look.

"Who are you? What do you want with me?" I growl at him as I stand up. I wish I had my gun right now.

He sighs. "I knew you'd figure it out sooner or later." He pulls off one of his gloves. The hand underneath is. . .fake. Why didn't I notice this before?

"Krycek?" 

He pulls of the thin mask and reveals his face. "Yeah Mulder. It's me."

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to help you sort through your memories. And trying to make sure you stay safe while you do so." He pulls off his other glove and rolls up his sleeves now that his disguise isn't necessary.

"Since when do you want to help me?"

"Since I realized how badly they manipulated me when they had me kidnap Scully." Krycek looks tired. "When he did this to you, I had to. . ."

"What?" Something's troubling him, and for once I really want to know what it is.

His reply is whispered. "I had to knock Scully's gun out of Skinner's hand. To keep him from shooting himself."

At that, something in me snaps, and this time snaps hard. Skinner--Walter almost killing himself because I am lost, gone? I moan heavily as I sit back down. My head thumps loudly onto the table.

"Mulder?" I feel Krycek's good hand on the top of my head, but I can't look at him. I can't lift my head. The weight of my feelings is too strong.

"He's ok now Mulder. Scully and I talked to him. We wouldn't let him get hurt."

I barely hear him over the roar in my ears and the flashes in my head. Walter, teaching me about sex, the right things about sex. Walter, holding me at night. Suffering because I tried to destroy him for the death of my ex-wife. Falling into my arms, exhausted, because of it. And the recovery time afterward. . .

The love I doubted was there comes rushing back full-force. I can't even try to stop the tears. But as I sob my heart out, weight lifts slowly. I can raise my head after a time, and look at Krycek watching me.

"Better now?" I've never seen Krycek look so compassionate in my life. I rub my hands down my face. 

"A little."

He moves around the table and crouches next to me. "Dare I ask?"

"I remember. I remember all of it. How could I have done that to him??!" Krycek grabs my shoulder as I lean to far one way and almost tumble out of the chair.

"You couldn't remember. Nobody blamed you. We all just wanted to kill the old man." He helps me straighten up and gets a paper towel from the roll on the counter. "Here."

I wipe my eyes as he sits back down at the table. "Now what?" My voice is shaky from crying.

Krycek pulls out a cell phone, punches in something, and hands it to me. It rings, then someone picks up.

A very familiar someone. "Krycek, what's going on?"

My heart leaps into my throat at the sound of the strong masculine voice on the other end of the line. I almost can't find my voice, but I finally gasp out one word.

"Walter?"

The shock on the other end is almost tangible. His voice is shaking as he says "Fo-ox?"

"Yes. I'm coming home." I sob this out as I hear him start crying too. 

"I love you. I'll be waiting for you." I can barely make out his words through his sobs.

"I love you too, Walter." And I mean it with all my heart.

*******************************************************

Chapter VII: Forever is All that Matters

Standing in the airport lobby next to Krycek is disconcerting now that I remember everything about him. But his loyalty to me seems more genuine than it has in the past. And he saved Walter from doing something that would have killed me as well. So I wait patiently and actually smile at him once.

I glance about, looking for them, my best friend and my lover. Scully had to leave the Bureau early to come here, but she said she wouldn't miss this for the world. We have to start catching up right away if I am to rejoin her on the X-files any time soon. Although she said if I come near the office within the next week, she will shoot me again.

And Walter. . .He told me he bought a house in Georgetown, not too far from Scully's apartment. He did this in hope that we could start over together. All I have to do is say I want the same thing and move my stuff there. I'm glad he regained his determination to live and hope so soon after I left. And of course I'm taking him up on the offer, as soon as possible.

Scully approaches us first, looking as professional as ever. But when she spots me, the professional demeanor drops like a rock and she rushes toward me. I grab onto her for dear life when she reaches me, and bury my face into her shoulder.

"Oh, Mulder." I can hear the tears in her voice as she clutches me. "Welcome home."

"It's good to be home. Thanks for not giving up on me, partner." I smile at her shakily as I pull back slightly to see her face.

"Give up on Spooky Mulder? Never." We laugh together. Then I look over Scully's shoulder and see him. Scully gives me one last squeeze then backs up.

"I'll see you when you two come up for air. Call me, Mulder." Walter waits until we say our temporary goodbyes, then approaches me slowly.

He doesn't say a word, just lays his hand on my face. Then he takes my hand and pulls me out of the airport. I look around as we go, and realize Krycek must have left awhile ago. 

When we get to Walter's car, we get in and he pulls me into his arms. "I couldn't do this in there. I--I, oh God. . ."

I put my arms around him and let him sob into my shoulder. I caress the back of his head and close my eyes, absorbing the feelings I almost lost.

"I'm home, Walter. I--I'm sorry for--"

"Don't you ever! Don't blame yourself for what happened. . .Not even the stuff you said. You didn't remember. Not correctly, anyway." He puts on a stern but loving face. Then he breaks away from me and starts the car. "Let's go home. I think you'll like the house."

I smile at him. He's resisting the urge to jump me right here in the parking lot. I can see it in the set lines in his face. It feels good to be wanted. . .

\-------------------------------------------------------

The house is almost cute. A red brick, two story with a large swinging seat on the porch. It looks. . .domestic. I like it from the second I see it.

"Are we playing house Walter?" I grin at him.

He shakes his head with a smile. "I wanted something nice for us. I'm sorry if it's not outrageous enough for you."

"It's great. But I bet the inside's even better." I laugh and get out of the car as he runs up to unlock the door. I follow him inside into a sunlit living room.

"Nice." I look around to the off-white walls and colorful furniture. That's all I register before Walter pulls me onto the large tan couch.

"Fox? Can--" I see hesitation in his eyes, which I wipe away with a shy kiss.

"Remind me of us, Walter. I want to know if my memories are right. . ." I lay back on the large sofa and pull Walter's strong body on top of mine. Our lips meet softly at first, then more passionately. 

When we are finally out of breath, I pull back slightly and look at his face. "Walter. . ."

He smiles through his tears as I brush them away. "I was afraid I'd never. . ."

"I know. But I found my way back, thanks to all of you. And now I'm never leaving you." I nuzzle his neck and wrap my arms around him.

And I am soothed to sleep by the sound of his heartbeat. . .

\-------------------------------------------------------

I wake up to a hand caressing my now naked chest. When I open my eyes, Walter smiles at me from his seat on the floor next to the couch. "I think all this emotional stuff wore us both out."

"Yeah, but now. . ." I pull him to me for a passionate kiss. "I think we should now finish what we started." I whisper this in his ear as I reach under his shirt.

"May we never be finished." Walter looks into my eyes and says this as if it were a solemn vow. At this, I reply "Never." just as seriously.

We entwine our hands as we watch each other's eyes flash emotion: love, desire, joy. Then I smile and reach to pull his shirt off.

My memories of us were powerful when they came flooding back, but images can't beat the real ' thing. The smell of him, the feel of his slightly callused hands make me shiver in delight. His kisses suffuse heat through my body. I try to return the caresses, but he pushes me back on the sofa, as if it was the day he first made love to me. "Let me. I want it to be perfect for you."

"It's already perfect. I need to feel you, to touch you and know this is real." I get up from the couch and pull him to his feet. "Show me our bedroom?"

He smiles. "I didn't tell you? There is no bedroom. I bought two couches instead." He waves his hand at the living room furniture.

I take a mock swing at him and laugh. "Goof." He catches me in a bear hug before guiding me up the stairs. The bedroom is large, with a beautiful king-sized bed in the middle of it. On the one pillow is a white picture frame with a picture of me gazing out my apartment window. He had taken it one day while showing me the camera.

"I needed you near me." He moves the picture to the night table and faces me. "I don't want to go too fast here. It's been so long. . ."

"Too long. Just shut up and kiss me, will you?" I do it for him, pulling him to me and plundering his mouth. My body pushes his backward until we both fall onto the bed.

I smooth my hands over his broad shoulders and chest, reaquainting myself with all my favorite small details of Walter. The wiry hair, his sensitive nipples, his moans of delight when I touch them. "Fox. . ."

I caress his abdomen and reach the buttons of his jeans. I look up to see a question in his eyes. "Are you sure? I don't want you to rush. . ."

"I wouldn't be here if I had any doubts, Walter. I love you. And I want you. Now." I unbutton his jeans and pull them, and his briefs, down to reveal his erection, pointing straight at me.

I caress the silky shaft softly as I watch his face transform in pleasure. Then I bend to take him in my mouth.

"God, Fox." Walter's hips shoot off the bed as I lick the head of his cock. "I can't, can't take that. I want us together. . ." He reaches down to get me. 

I move up Walter's body and settle on top of him. My pants rub against his cock, inflaming us both. Walter carefully reaches between us to undo them and pull them off my legs. He hesitates at my boxers, so I yank them off.

"Walter. I. Love. You. I'm here. I'm real. And I want this. I need this." I figure the only way to prove my point is to make it real for him. I imagine he's afraid to blink right now.

So I grab the lube and coat his cock with it. Although it's been as long for me as for him, I figure I can handle him without preparation. So I lower myself onto his cock.

The burning is welcome. It reminds me of my reality. That I'm here, where I want to be. With the one I love. Then I meet Walter's eyes and drown in the emotions pouring out of them. And the burning is forgotten as I begin to move upon him.

It's been too long for us to last long. Within minutes, he shouts out. I follow a second behind him, without even having touched my cock. Walter catches me as I collapse onto him.

He smooths back my damp hair and kisses my forehead. "Welcome home."

\-------------------------------------------------------

Two months later, I am happily ensconed in the life I used to know. I've been working on the X-files with Scully for a month. I haven't officially moved in with Walter yet but I spend most of my time there. And Scully always calls me there. . .

I arrive at the house to find Walter sitting on the couch, looking very seriously at me.

"Walter, what's wrong?" I have shivers running up my spine just from his look. My instincts kick into gear, looking for anything that may have upset him.

He points to a long rectangular box. "These came for you this afternoon."

It looks like a florist box. "Walter, I--I haven't. . ." God, I hope he doesn't think I've been seeing someone else. It would break my heart. . .

"Open it." He doesn't look angry or upset, just serious. So I grab the box and open the lid.

Nestled inside is one white carnation with a note. I pull out the card and look at it. 

It says "I can't promise you a rose garden. But I'd like to promise you forever. Walter."

I glance up at Walter. "Will you marry me? I know it won't be official, but. . ."

After I get over the shock, I try to find my voice. A whispered "Yes." is all that comes out. But I fall into his arms, which I figured he'd understand if he didn't hear.

"I love you Walter. Give me forever."

He clutches me close. "Forever, Fox. I am yours forever."

 

* * *

 

TITLE: Karma Epilogue: In Truth We Found Forever  
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk and Amatia  
EMAIL ADDRESSES: ,   
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, just tell us  
SPOILER WARNING: season 6  
RATING: PG  
CLASSIFICATION: V, A, R   
Content warning: Slash, Mulder/Skinner  
SUMMARY: The wedding!  
DISCLAIMER: You think we own them? Yeah right, we can't even afford one of Mulder's ties. CC owns them all.  
Note: This story is part of the Karma Series series, and the titles are as follows: Conviction, On a Sunday Afternoon, Devotion, There's Always Calm After the Storm, and Commitment. You kind of need to read those to get this one. Author's notes at the end.

* * *

Karma Epilogue: In Truth We Found Forever  
by Ladyhawk and Amatia

It's a sunny day when I open my eyes to the sound of the alarm in my, soon to be *our* house. I stretch out and get up quickly. I rush through my shower and dress in a T-shirt and jeans as I hear the doorbell ring.

I find Mulder's three friends, the Lone Gunmen, and Scully's mother, standing at the door. "Hello everyone, are we ready?"

"You just leave getting the house ready to me, Walter." Mrs. Scully smiles at me.

"I'll help you. We have time. I have all of the food in the fridge. The flowers are being delivered in about fifteen minutes. I just have to have time to get dressed."

I turn toward the three men. "You can set up the video equipment near the couch for now. That should keep us from colliding with each other."

"Ok." Byers nods as they go back to their van and get their stuff. I take the drycleaner's bag from Mrs. Scully as we enter the house.

I lay the bag on the coffee table and head with Mrs. Scully to the kitchen. We grab the decorations and head back into the living room.

The florists arrive as we are covering the floor with a red carpet. The coffee table and fireplace mantle are already draped in red.

We take the the white carnations and spread them around in a circle on the carpet and over the mantle behind us. When we are all finished, I wipe my hands.

"Guys, time to get dressed." I shoo the Gunmen upstairs with me, leaving Mrs. Scully free to use the downstairs bathroom.

I put on the black suit carefully, as if it was made of delicate fabric. I look in the mirror to smooth it out and pin a white carnation to my lapel. I want to look perfect for him.

As I'm doing so, the doorbell rings.

\------------------------------------------------------

"Mulder." A finger pokes me.

"Hummm?" I wiggle under the blankets. Then I realize that the voice wasn't Walter's, that it was Scully's, and that I'm getting married today. I sit straight up in the bed, and Scully bursts out laughing. I do my best impression of her raised eyebrow. "What?"

"Your hair is sticking straight up." She snickers some more.

I frown at her, then start laughing myself. My stomach is jittery. "What time is it?"

"You have plenty of time, Mulder. Come on, I made breakfast."

Scully makes me eat the pancakes she made, saying that if I don't, I'm increasing my chances of fainting during the ceremony. I give her a "get real" look, but she just crosses her arms, Dr. Scully all the way. When I'm finished, she sends me back into the bedroom to get dressed. Half an hour later, she has picked every speck of lint off of my navy blue suit, and fastened the white flower to my buttonhole. I see tears shining in her eyes. "Scully, what is it?"

"I'm just so happy for you and Walter," she replies.

I smile at her. "Thank you. You look beautiful." She's wearing a simple light blue dress with a floral print, and the sun has given her skin a little color.

She squeezes my hand. "Let's get you to Walter's, okay?"

\------------------------------------------------------

When I get to the door, I open it to a very frightened looking Mrs. Mulder. I move aside to let her in, but she shakes her head.

"Mr. Skinner, could you please tell Fox. . .Tell him that I love him, but I can't watch this."

As I watch her turn away, the memory of the night I told her I was marrying her son comes back to me. . .

It started with me fighting with Mulder about it. "Fox, she's your mother. I don't care that you don't care if your own mother comes to your wedding. We're going to invite her."

"She probably will mess it up anyway. She never respected my decisions. And this is one decision I won't let her mock."

"Would it help if I called her and talked to her?"

Mulder nodded into my shoulder as I held him on the couch in the living room. I picked up the phone with my free arm and dialed her number. . .

"Mrs. Mulder, this is Walter Skinner."

"Yes, how can I help you?"

"Mrs. Mulder...I'm not exactly sure what the best way to put this is, so I'll just come right out and say it. Fox and I have developed a very special relationship over the past few months, a relationship that most people would see as strange. You see, I've fallen in love with your son, and he's fallen in love with me."

"I can't approve of this Mr. Skinner. I raised my son to be. . ."

"Straight? He's not, Mrs. Mulder. But he's a strong man with much to give. He's given me so much."

"I won't be party to this."

"I can't believe you'd do that to your son. Not give him the support he has needed all his life from you." I got really angry at this point. "He told me not to even tell you about the wedding. He was afraid you'd spoil it. Now I can see why!"

Mulder looked up at me with a horrified expression. I shook my head at him, indicating it was ok.

I turn back to Mrs. Mulder, a little calmer. "I am going to give you the address and the time and date. Think about what you're doing to your son by refusing to acknowledge this event."

I did just that before I hung up and clutched Mulder tight. . .

I shake my head and close the door. I survey the living room carefully as the Gunmen move the camera into it's designated spot.

And this time when the doorbell rings, I see Scully's smiling face next to Mulder's loving one.

\------------------------------------------------------

On the ride there, Scully tells me that I look like I'd taken a vitamin made of pure sunshine. I laugh, feeling almost like I have. "Mulder," she says seriously, "I'm so happy for you I know I'm going to cry throughout the entire ceremony, and at the reception, and probably for the entire day."

I just look at her, and smile, remembering the day I told her and the Gunmen that Walter and I were getting married. I'd called them earlier in the day and invited them all over for pizza and a Mystery Science Theater 3000 repeat of "The Puma Man". Scully was a little apprehensive of spending an evening with the Gunmen, but I promised her Frohike would leave her alone, on fear of not getting my now-rarely-used porn video collection.

Once they were all assembled, with even Scully eating some pizza, I decided it was time to make my announcement. "Hey, guys?"

"Huh?" Frohike, Langly, and Byers said simultaneously, all rather entranced by Donald Pleasance in a muumuu.

"Yes, Mulder?" That was Scully, looking glad to get away from the movie.

"I want to tell you something."

They all looked at me now. "What is it?" Scully asked.

"Well...I'll just say it. Walter asked me to marry him." I couldn't control the grin I felt spreading across my face.

Scully's eyebrows shot up. "When?"

"Three days ago."

I caught the pillow she hurled at me. "You didn't tell me right away? And you said yes, right?"

"Yes. And I wanted to tell everyone at the same time, so stop throwing pillows at me, Scully." I couldn't get the grin off of my face.

The Gunmen were all staring at me, expressions ranging from semi-shock on Langly's face, to a gentle smile on Byers'. Frohike was somewhere in between. "What do you guys think about this?" I asked.

"I think it's great," Frohike said.

"Yeah," Langly added.

"Congratulations," Byers said.

I caught another pillow from Scully, whose eyes were brimming with tears. "What is it, Scully?"

She wiped at the tears and smiled self-consciously. "I'm just so glad to hear it, Mulder."

Byers passed her the box of tissues, and she pressed one to her eyes, then leaned over and hugged me. "So when's the wedding?"

I smile fondly as I remember that night, and hand Scully a tissue. She wipes her eyes and turns onto Walter's street.

"Nervous?" she asks as she parks, and we exit the car.

"In a way," I admit. "It's a big commitment...but I believe that it's the right thing."

Walter opens the door to his - our - new house, and I know, without a doubt, that this is the right thing.

\------------------------------------------------------

I let Mulder and Scully in and give each a hug.

"You look stunning, both of you." I kiss Mulder softly as I usher them toward Mrs. Scully. "I have to finish getting set up here."

"Is Krycek here yet?" Mulder ask as he wanders toward the kitchen.

"Not yet." I turn to help Langly adjust some of the lamps in the room to focus on the spot in front of the fireplace.

We get everything set, and I look around. Everything's ready, but still no Krycek. I glance at the wall clock. He's twenty minutes late.

A glance toward the kitchen tells me Mulder is worried. He's leaning on the doorjam with an anxious expression.

The doorbell finally rings five minutes later. I answer it and find Krycek out of breath. "Sorry, I got caught up with something. I came as soon as I could."

"Just as long as you made it. That's what matters. Come in, we're ready." I let him walk past me.

"Hi, everyone. I'm sorry." Krycek looks to me for direction. I wave him onto the other side of the circle of carnations I made.

Then I watch as he introduces us to the rest of our lives. . .

"I thank Mulder and Walter for the fine honor of helping them express their love for each other in a way that they consider binding. They have shown all of us the true endurance of love. Their belief in each other has given me hope for the future.

"But let them tell you and each other what they truly feel. Walter?"

I step into the circle of flowers and take a deep breath.

\--------------------------------------------

Walter opens the door smiling, and he hugs Scully first, then wraps his arms around me for a moment. "You look stunning, both of you," he says as he releases me, and kisses my cheek. Then he waves us towards Scully's mom. "I have to finish setting up here."

I ambled towards the kitchen, then pause and frown. "Is Krycek here yet?"

"Not yet," Walter replies.

Trust Krycek to be late, I thought, then mentally smacked myself. Krycek had done a lot to bring me back to Walter and Scully, and I was grateful to him for putting his life on the line for us. I still didn't have a clear picture of exactly why he had aided us, except that I knew he felt guilty for his part in Scully's abduction.

I watch Walter and the Gunmen set up as I lean against the doorjamb. My lover is wearing a black suit with the precision of a military uniform, and he looks...well, he makes me want to drag him upstairs right now. I continue to glance repeatedly at my watch, and out the window, getting agitated more and more with each minute that ticks by. Finally, I see Krycek running up the walk, and the doorbell rings. "Sorry, I got caught up with something," he pants as Walter opens the door. "I came as soon as I could.

"Just as long as you made it," Walter replies. "That's what matters. Come in, we're ready."

Krycek steps into the room, with an embarassed smile. "Hi everyone, I'm sorry." His eyes catch mine briefly, and I smile at him. Then he looks at Walter, who waves him onto the other side of the carnation circle, and I watch as he takes a deep breath. "I thank Mulder and Walter for the fine honor of helping them express their love for each other in a way that they consider binding. They have shown all of us the true endurance of love. Their belief in each other has given me hope for the future." He pauses, and smiles at us. "But let them tell you and each other what they truly feel. Walter?"

I watch my lover step into the circle, and focus his gaze on me.

\---------------------------------------

I look at my lover, standing in front of me, with wondering eyes. After all we've been through, after all we fought, we are finally here. And I want to tell him how so very glad I am to be standing where I am right now.

"Mulder, when I met you for the first time, I admired you. You were unique. You made everyone around you sit up and pay attention. I know I payed attention since that first day. But it wasn't just the liver eating mutant you talked about that caught my attention.

"It was your determination, your belief in what you were doing. That was why I admired you.

"Your ideals were unique, in this day and age. You believed in the truth, above all else. You gave the truth, as well as sought it out. And you cared. For everyone you took under your wing and into your confidence. You cared so much, you'd give your life for any one of us. When you took me into your confidence, I started to care.

"But it didn't stop there. I began to like you. The Post-It notes included in your reports when you thought I needed information you wouldn't make official endeared me. Your trust in me, even when I believed less of your stories than Scully did, uplifted me. Even when I had fallen into that ugly trap the Smoking Man used against me. I saw respect in your eyes even then. And then I could call you friend.

I never dreamed that love could come out of it, though. Until I almost died. Until I saw my world differently. When I entrusted my life to you, to your relentless determination, I gave you my heart as well. My heart cried out to yours as my life faded from me that day. It cried out in regret, for all the things I would never show you, never tell you. I wanted to share with you, even if we were nothing more than friends. But we had barely begun at that point.

"I was falling hard for you the first time I asked you out, but I figured it was a one-time thing. Fox Mulder could never want what I want, I told myself. Over the next couple months, I found out I was wrong. Although you took months to tell me that you loved me, you showed me it in so many different ways. In the trust you gave me when you told me about your father. In the joy you took in being with me. In the ways you took care of me, whether I wanted you to or not. For all this and more, I love you.

"And I will always love you. No action by you or by anyone else will ever change that. And I want you to be reminded of this always."

I reach into my pocket and grab Mulder's hand, pulling him into the circle. I stare into his eyes, which are shining with unshed tears. "This ring is a symbol of my heart, which is yours. Keep it near yours so it may protect you and comfort you when I'm not physically present, because my thoughts and my spirit always walk with yours. I love you. I am yours."

I slip the ring on his finger as we both watch. I look back up at him, not bothering to hide my tears of joy.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

I smile back at Walter, squeezing his hand, and swallowing my own tears which were threatening to rise. I love this man more than I've loved anyone before, and finally, I can make it as official as possible. I took a deep breath, felt him squeeze my hand, and began to speak.

"There was a time, when I was so deep into Hell that I couldn't see the light for the darkness. I couldn't remember things that were true, but I could remember things that were, in truth, false. I was walking in the wrong direction, and it was the Devil himself that stood before me and beckoned me deeper into that darkness. I couldn't decide if I should follow him, or turn around. It seemed to me that the path behind was just as dark as the path ahead, and I was afraid."

"As I struggled to understand the difference between truth and falsehood, I faltered in my steps, and in faltering I saw flashes of light. The light illuminated the river of souls, and I saw the flatness of a boat that floated there, it's edges curved like a demon's smile. And in that boat stood someone who was only pretending to be the Devil's minion. He offered me his hand, and told me that he could row be back out to the light, and out of Hell. All I had to do was tell him what I knew to be truth, and what I knew to be falsehood."

"And as I told him what I knew, I saw that the things I thought were true were lies, and what I had once thought were lies were really truths. As he rowed me back out of Hell, he told me that the light still loved me, that the light would welcome me back with open arms, and that the light knew that I had been decieved by the Devil." I smile at Walter, and his smile in return is brilliant.

I take another breath, trying to slow my wild pulse, and continue. "It was Walter who was the light, and it was Walter who'd taught me that I was not the man of darkness that I had once thought I was. And it was Walter who taught me about love - how to love, how to make love, how to express love. How to love myself, and in doing that, he showed me that I loved him. It was my journey through Hell that finally taught me how deep that love was, and that like an ocean, it was endless, for all oceans are connected, just as Walter and I are connected, constantly mingling with each other. And just like those oceans can't ever be separated, neither can Walter and I."

I take the ring from my pocket, and slide it onto his hand. "Walter, with this circle of gold, I promise you that my ocean will never willfully part from yours, and that my love for you is as true as love can be. I belong to you, and may this bond between us never be broken."

\--------------------------------------------------------

I lean my forehead against that of the man my heart now calls husband. My tears fall onto his cheek, mingling with his. We hold each other as Krycek's words drift to my ears.

"As officiator, I declare us all witnesses to the declarations of commitment we just heard. May we all aid them in their journey together, as friends should. And may we hope for all of us to find a love as strong as theirs. In our eyes, Fox William Mulder and Walter Sergei Skinner are now married."

At those words, I move to kiss Mulder lightly. We separate and look toward the others together. With hands linked, we step out of our circle and to our friends.

Krycek steps up to shake my hand as I hand Mulder over to Scully. "Congratulations on this. I think you've done Mulder a lot of good. And I know you'll take good care of him." Krycek pats my arm. "And thanks for letting me help both of you."

I nod then notice Frohike sniffling on the sofa. "Are you ok?"

The little man nods. "I didn't expect you guys to be so damned. . .poetic!"

I smile at him. I didn't expect the man with more porn videos than Mulder to be moved by words of love. Byers quietly gives me his congratulations as Langly nods respectfully at me.

As I straighten up, Scully grabs me and kisses me on the cheek. "Take care of him, Walter. He's my best friend."

"I will, Scully. He's got my heart, remember?"

Mulder hugs me from behind. "And I'm never giving it back."

"Good for you."

Mrs. Scully approaches us. "Lunch is ready, everyone. Let's toast to the happy couple."

Everyone filters into the kitchen ahead of us. I hold Mulder back for a minute. "You are everything to me, you know."

He kisses me lightly. "And you are my truth."

\-------------------------------------------------------

Walter wraps his arms around me as Krycek speaks the words that proclaim us to be married, and I feel his tears fall onto my face. I feel as if my heart is going to burst from happiness, and I hug him tightly as he kisses me. Then we release each other, and step out of the circle, holding hands.

Krycek moves over to Walter as he lets go of my hand. Scully, with tears shining on her face, hugs me close. "Mulder, I'm so happy for you. You and Walter. That was so beautiful, what you said to each other." A sad note touches her voice for a moment. "I can only hope that I'll find that."

I hug her tightly in return. "You will, Scully. I know you will."

She releases me, and pulls Walter down so she can kiss his cheek. "Take care of him, Walter. He's my best friend."

I watch my husband as he replies, "I will, Scully. He's got my heart, remember?"

I wrapped my arms around him from behind, and grin at her. "And I'm never giving it back."

She answers my smile. "Good for you."

Mrs. Scully exits the kitchen, announcing that lunch is ready, and everyone follows her back into the kitchen. Walter hold me back, and I move into his arms. "You are everything to me, you know," he says softly, resting his forehead against mine.

I kissed him gently on the lips. "And you are my truth."

Walter pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and wipes away his tears, and mine. "I love you," he says quietly, and I can see it shining in his eyes.

I hope that it's shining in mine as well. "I love you, too."

He lets me go, and we follow our friends into the kitchen of our home. Together.

Forever.

END

Ladyhawk's notes: This is my first time at a true collaborative effort. I thank Amatia for her patience through this whole process, and for doing such a good job!

Amatia's notes: Big thanks to LH for waiting for me while I struggled with a night of writer's block. I had a wonderful time working on this, and I hope she and I can do it again sometime.

:-) 

Feedback is welcome at both and 

Site X: http://personal.pitnet.net/london/


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